Paper piles could lead to pokey time?

I have never gotten more than a speeding ticket (just one), but my husband has me scared that I could be arrested.

We have a habit of looking online at the jail mugshots to see if we know anyone, and he sent me a link with this note: “If you need motivation to keep your life organized, notice the first charge listed for this guy.”

He was charged with failure to keep records. What? Since when is that a crime? Nobody told me. My husband added this in his email: “If Sheriff Andy Shock saw your desk, you would be behind bars and pictured in the paper.” My blood ran cold at that statement.

Yes, I will admit to a lifelong problem of unorganization and a lack of record-keeping. Right now, my desk looks like a city recycling truck backed up and dumped its entire contents. We are not talking neat stacks. We are talking this-girlhas-a-problem-she-could-be-on-anepisodeHoarders type of mess.

My house is not like this, although I do have a drawer stuffed with about 1,000 receipts from the past few Christmases. My billfold is usually bulging with receipts and coupons, and I am That Person you get behind in the return line who says, “Just a minute — I know I have it here somewhere.” Ugh.

I don’t want to be like this. I did not inherit my mother’s DNA for the organization gene. She folds her dirty clothes before she puts them in the laundry. When she retired from teaching, she was told her records were perfect. I’ve tried to explain that just like she can’t be messy, I can’t be neat. Especially when I’m working.

Most reporters I know are like this. My husband was an editor, and if you went in and he needed a piece of paper, a form or a press release, he would sift through the ocean of paper on his desk. Of course, most people like us also immediately know where that scrap of paper we’re looking for is on our desks, even if it’s three layers down.

Cleaning my desk throws me out of whack. I like the way a clean desk looks, but it’s like I have vertigo — I feel off balance.

But if I’m going to be hauled to the pokey, maybe I can change! Maybe I can be rehabilitated! On my Christmas list, one item is money to hire a professional organizer. I already have the name of a woman, if she’s up to the challenge.

Surely, Sheriff Shock would give me another chance. I don’t think I’d do well in jail. Do they offer rubber gloves for work detail? Are pedicures provided on a regular basis? Is there a Lancome counter?

Martha Stewart did it, so I guess I could, too, if it comes to that.

A friend of mine told me last week that she wanted any tips I had on being mother of the groom, as well as a copy of my rehearsal-dinner invitation. She thinks her son will get married in about 1 1/2 years, and she’s started a file.

Excessive record-keeping — now, to me, THAT’s a crime.

Senior writer Tammy Keith can be reached at (501) 327-0370 or tkeith@arkansasonline.com.