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Couple adopt after death of two daughters
T wo-year-old Riley Mulhearn loves her new mama, daddy and, especially, her big brother, Davis, whose name brings a smile to her face.
When Riley is older, her mother, Amanda, will tell her about the big sisters she never knew: 6-week-old Charlotte, already a daddy’s girl, who died of a rare heart infection on May 29, 2007, and 3-yearold Stella, a feisty girl who died April 3, 2012, after giving all she had to fight a brain tumor.
“There’s never a day that goes by that I don’t think of my girls; they’re a part of who you are,” Mulhearn said. Her memories are happier now, she said, as time goes by and the heavy weight of grief has become bearable.
“I don’t look at my life and look at it as sad or unhappy,” she said. “The grief is going to be there. I have a lot of people say, ‘I couldn’t do what you did.’ I’m not stronger than anyone else. You have to make a choice if you are going to let your grief consume you. I didn’t choose this,” she said.
Mulhearn never would have imagined that by 34 years old she would have faced the death of two daughters.
It is a mistake, she said, for people to think it’s easier to lose an infant.
“Yeah, it was a short life, but it doesn’t make it any less important,” she said of Charlotte. When Stella died, it was unbelievable that the couple had to go through losing a child again. “How can it be that this is so big and so wonderful and so good and be gone?”
In addition to her faith, she said, she’s been able to cope because of her strong marriage with Travis. Their son, Davis, is now 10.
“He is so mature and so delightful,” she said. “I’m so thankful we had him both times [when we lost our daughters].”
Mulhearn said Davis is also one reason the couple decided to adopt. She said she has happy memories of growing up with a brother and sister.
“I wanted more for him, and he wanted a baby sister,” she said. “It did take a lot to get past that anxiety and fear — not that the anxiety and fear aren’t still there, but I want to live. I want us to be a family.”
She and Travis, who celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary in December, had talked about adoption from the beginning of their marriage, she said.
“My life led me on that path in a way I didn’t expect,” she said. “I committed after [we lost] Stella not to have natural children. There are other babies out there that need homes, other children.”
When the Mulhearns decided in 2013 to seriously research adoption, she said they found international adoptions were backlogged as long as five years in some countries, and she didn’t want to wait that long.
It was June 2013 when Amanda suggested to Travis that they attend an adoption class in Conway held by The Call, a Christian adoption organization for people to adopt children in foster care in Arkansas. During the Mulhearns’ home study, which is required for an adoption, she was given the name of someone to contact. The woman said, “I know your story; I’ll find you a baby.”
The Mulhearns didn’t specify a girl or boy. They didn’t want a newborn, or one with known medical problems, although they knew all too well that parents can’t always protect their children.
“I did everything right, and my babies didn’t make it,” Mulhearn said. “All I can do is tell God what I want and pray that this is what I want, and I know not everything comes true like you want it to. I prayed for a happy, healthy baby — one we can love who will love us back, and if we don’t find that, that’s OK. I’d come to the point that that was OK.”
Mulhearn said she got a call one day, and the caseworker said she had a little girl she thought was a “good fit” for the Mulhearns. Mulhearn received a folder of “very limited” information about the little girl, and the Mulhearns went to visit the foster family.
“They were the best people you could ever hope have
There is a joy in our home now that’s been missing. It’s like somebody has put the spark back in our house. — Amanda Mulhearn
your child and raise her with the love and care that surpasses understanding for most people,” she said.
When the Mulhearns first saw Riley, she was asleep, and her foster mother was getting her out of her car seat. Mulhearn’s first look at Riley took her breath away.
“She looked a ton like Stella,” Mulhearn said. “I looked at Travis. … She could be one of our children. She looks like my babies’ baby pictures — like their daddy, not me.”
Mulhearn called her sister to tell her about the overwhelming first meeting.
“I said, ‘I never expected to feel what I feel.’”
Before Mulhearn could explain what she meant, her sister rushed to comfort her — telling her it was OK, that it would take some time to bond.
“I said, ‘Emily, it was exactly the opposite. I saw her, and I felt like I had just given birth to my children. I know nothing about her, but I know that is my child, and she will be going home with me,” Mulhearn said, tears coming to her eyes as Riley happily crawled over and around her.
What sealed the deal, Mulhearn said, was that within 15 minutes, Riley had warmed up to Davis.
“She was in his arms, loving him,” Mulhearn said.
Mulhearn stayed with the foster family for 2 1/2 weeks so Riley could get used to her, and vice versa. The foster mother let Mulhearn be involved in everything.
“We both knew we were there for Riley,” she said. On May 22, Riley came home with her new parents, walked in liked she’d lived there forever and slept through the night. She immediately started calling them Mama and Daddy. “You’ll hear her over the monitor, ‘Daddy, Daddy!’
“Another thing I didn’t expect — the transition was just so smooth,” Mulhearn said. Riley plays with some of the toys Stella had, including a baby doll, but there are things that were too special and tender to share. And Riley is not a replacement for her sisters; she’s an addition to the family.
“I want her to be her own person, and there are some things that remind you so big of the child you had.” A little dress that belonged to Charlotte was never worn by Stella, for example. “There are no rules for this — you just do the best you can.”
Dec. 17 was adoption day. The Mulhearns celebrated with a dinner at Amanda’s parents’ home and invited Riley’s foster parents. Mulhearn wasn’t sure how Riley would react, whether she’d regress and call the foster parents Mama and Daddy, but she didn’t.
“It was everything you wanted it to be,” Mulhearn said.
She said she intends to stay in touch with Riley’s former foster family, and she has sent the foster mother one of Riley’s pictures.
“I feel so much admiration for her and for him,” Mulhearn said.
Riley ran around the room, throwing a ball, playing with her toy dishes. The words her mother said don’t mean a lot to her now. She came up holding a granola bar behind her back, then showed her mother.
“Can you say please?” Mulhearn asked. “Peese,” Riley responded.
Mulhearn said, “There’s always something to do, or catch, or feed, or laugh about. She’ll always know that she has sisters, and she will always know that she was adopted, and Davis will tell her about them and about how she came to be with us.”
Riley wanted to go outside, and she tried to put on her purple shoes by herself, but she needed a little help. “They’re her UCA shoes. Go, Bears!” Mulhearn said. She has a lot to teach her daughter, who pulled on her mother’s hand to take her outside.
“There is a joy in our home now that’s been missing,” Mulhearn said. “It’s like somebody has put the spark back in our house.”