EX- ETIQUETTE
Q My ex and I have been divorced for 10 years, and we share equal custody of our three sons. Our oldest son, 15, and his father recently had a fight, and my son refuses to speak to him and no longer wants to go back and forth between homes. His father has called me and told me to make our son talk to him. His father is a jerk, and I understand why our son won’t talk to him. What is my responsibility in this? What’s good ex- etiquette?
A When things like this happen my first question to a parent in your position is, “If you and your ex were still together, would you handle this the same way as you are now?” Most say no. They would prompt both to forgive and forget. I then suggest that they seriously consider why it’s different now that they are divorced.
It seems after a breakup, particularly if you feel your ex is a jerk, there’s no incentive to promote forgiveness. Some divorced parents feel the other parent deserves their child’s rejection. When in a relationship that parent might say, “Talk to your father.” After a breakup that becomes, “What do you expect me to do, make him talk to his father? Make him go to his father’s home?”
Barring abuse of any kind and using good ex- etiquette as your guide, the simple answer is yes — and it makes a difference how you do it. Ex- etiquette rule No. 1 is “Put the children first.” That means you don’t put your kids in the middle with comments like, “Just go, honey. It will be over soon.” Or, “The court order says you have to go.” Or, worst of all, “When you are [ pick an age], you can choose.” Statements like that set up parent and child for failure. As I have said many times before, children have a right to both their parents.
To put this into perspective, I often ask parents what they tell their child when the child doesn’t want to clean his room or do her homework. Most laugh and say, “They are too young to make that decision. I tell them they have to do it.” Yet evidently those same kids can make their own decision about something as important as seeing their other parent.
For the record, the age a child can choose whether or not to see a parent differs from state to state — and some state laws are written in a way that says a child can ask to be heard by the court at a particular age, but does not go as far as stating that a child can choose.
Does all this suggest that you must always fix things when your ex and children butt heads? Absolutely not — ultimately it’s the parent and child’s responsibility to work things through, but it’s your responsibility as a divorced parent to try to create an environment in which they can. That’s good ex- etiquette.