Wish list item: Keanu Reeves as Santa on a motorcycle
The Christmas Book — the annual gift guide put out by Neiman Marcus and notably not yet renamed The Holiday Book — recently came out, with all its pared-down flamboyance. Pared down to the point that it’s just no fun to poke fun at anymore.
Well, that’s almost the case. Thumbing through it, I did find enough to highlight in what we’ll call:
The Let’s Talk Neiman Marcus Catalog Fantasy Awards
The Best Fantasy Gift: The Arch Motorcycle & Ride Experience, $150,000. The lucky buyer gets to go on a two-day motorcycle ride along the California coast with actor Keanu Reeves and Gard Hollinger, founders of the Arch Motorcycle Co. … and gets to keep the limited-edition KRGT-1 bike made by the company. With the purchase, the store gives $5,000 to The Heart of Neiman foundation. Motorcycle … niiiiice. Charitable donation … uh-huh, great. From a woman’s perspective, the best part of this deal by far is Reeves.
Best Fantasy Gift Runner-up: the Neiman Marcus Limited-Edition Mustang Convertible, a mere $95,000 (and $1,000 goes into the kitty of the store’s foundation). I would rather have a ’Vette or a Camaro, but as a spectator sports-car enthusiast, I wouldn’t turn this baby down.
The Totally Doesn’t Justify its Price Award: Eugenia Kim’s exclusively-for-Neiman-Marcus hand-knit winter hats with pompom accents, in various (mostly pastel) colors for $225-$250. Yes, the hats are wool. Yes, the pompoms are “dyed Arctic fox.” Yes, they’re made in Denmark. But they look too much like something you could find for $15 at Claire’s in the mall.
Most Notable Gift Between $1 and $100 Award: A Christian Lacroix “Twenty Four Days Before Christmas” pop-up paper advent calendar, $58. According to the illustration, this grown folks’ pop-up picture book is riddled with everything except a list of last-minute Christmas shopping deals. Runner-up, if you don’t count the tax: a pair of Michael Kors “Keaton” slipons, $99, that look like somewhat tricked-out versions of Gilligan’s Island foot gear.
Most Gorgeous Expensive But Useless Gift Award: A magnificent, limited-edition fan-tail peacock figurine by Jay Strongwater, $28,000. The 20th-anniversary, handcrafted piece is set with Swarovski crystals. Gorgeous, but for that kind of money it should get one from Point A to Point B or come with Keanu Reeves. ( Too expensive? OK, get the Grand Peacock figurine, feathers in weddingdress-train position, for a mere $6,500. Or get the peacock picture frame for $2,500.
The Pleasant Surprise Award: The bordering-on-generous amount of plus-size clothing in the catalog, another thing people are likely to think it lacks. Is it as cute as the thin-girl stuff? No, but there are some attractive, mostly black pieces by Rachel Pally, Joan Vass, Caroline Rose, Berek, Eileen Fisher and Misook.
The Cutest Item Nobody Will Fit In Award: Sachi & Babi Noir’s exquisite juniper polyester/nylon high-low skirt, $550, teal with fuchsia accents, and coordinating viscose-blend fuchsia tank, $250 … both of which top out at size 12.
The I Hate Skull Motifs and What Are They Doing in Here Anyway? Award: a black leather tray, booze decanter, glasses and tick-tacktoe set, all part of the Ralph Lauren home decor and barware collection. Ol’ Ralph gets into a fight with the Jolly Roger, loses. JR bears a crown in the crest-like motif on the barware pieces.
The Stop It, Just Stop It Award: Faux-fur pet beds for $155-$195, which are at least more reasonable than the faux-fur doggie coats, $90$100. As Jay Leno used to say when he showcased pet clothing on The Tonight Show: “Your dog’s never gonna wear that!’’ And doesn’t he already have a natural fur coat?
Best misfit non-fantasy gift: A Makerbot Replicator Desktop 3D printer, $3,900. Too bad it can’t replicate that mustang. Or Keanu Reeves.
And now we will end this awards show with the Absolutely Most Affordable Item in the whole, entire Neiman Marcus catalog — which goes to:
The free fold-over sniff sample of Miu Miu fragrance! Yeah!