Self- sufficient kids become confident adults
RIVER FOREST, Ill. — After 4- year- old Aria Ricchetti wakes up each morning, she grabs the outfit she helped choose the previous night and gets herself dressed.
Then she brushes her teeth and hair, feeds the dog, sets the table, toasts waffles for herself and her little brother, and begins eating her breakfast while her mother gets ready for the day.
Aria, of River Forest, is a self- sufficient anomaly at a time when children, teens and even some adults are relying on their parents to do everything for them. There’s even a name for it: emerging adulthood. Instead of leaving the nest, getting married and becoming parents themselves in their early 20s, most people are postponing these transitions until at least their late 20s.
A Pew Research Center study found that nearly 25 percent of 25- to 34- year- olds are living with their parents or grandparents, up from 11 percent in 1980. And another Pew study shows that about 75 percent of adults with at least one grown child say they had financially supported that child within the last year. Half of those say they were their grown child’s primary means of support.
It may seem extreme to believe that simply failing to be self- sufficient as a child can lead to financial instability and the inability to leave the nest in your 20s, but experts say there’s a link.
“Helping children to acquire the skills to be self- sufficient also helps them be self- sufficient adults,” says Gina Lofquist, senior director of teacher education at the American Montessori Society in New York.
Lofquist says if parents do everything for their children, then these children will come to depend on their parents, which will eventually lower their self- esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, if you show children that you trust them to do more, then the children will establish a sense of independence for themselves, and they will gain self- sufficiency skills.
“We educate children in terms of the adult that they will be,” Lofquist says. “It all starts with the fact that we trust children.”
That’s why at Montessori schools, children are allowed to cut with real knives, they toast with real toasters, and they can even iron by themselves. When the 2- year- olds want a snack, they walk over to the snack area and they peel themselves a hardboiled egg or clementine.
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“It’s everyday living skills,” Lofquist says.
Aria, who has been going to the Mosaic Montessori Academy in River Forest since she was 1 ½ , embraces her independence, says her mother, Roshni Ricchetti, who mainly attributes Aria’s self- sufficiency to two things: the Montessori method and her laziness.
“If I just lie around, she likes to help, and she likes doing things herself,” Ricchetti says.
While Ricchetti was very open to having Aria be independent ever since she was a baby, most parents are hesitant, though they shouldn’t be, says Madeleine St. Jacques, a New Jersey- based certified parent and family coach.
“It’s never too young to start teaching self- sufficiency skills,” St. Jacques says.
During tummy time or when babies are crawling, walking or learning to walk, parents can put objects just out of their reach to help them try to grab them. Eventually, the baby will reach the objects, and they will gain satisfaction from doing so.
“We want our kids to be happy, and we want to spare them discomfort,” St. Jacques says. “But if we rescue them too early and
too often from the safe, everyday struggles, we’re denying them opportunities for growth.”
Younger children can help with cooking, laundry, pet care, packing their lunch boxes; pre- teens can walk short distances unsupervised and complete homework on their own; teens should be doing their own laundry and shopping for their own clothing, St. Jacques says.
Treats, pep talks and a playful tone can help if your child is resistant to starting a task, says Carol Weston, author of nine books, and advice columnist at Girls’ Life magazine since 1994.
And start small, she suggests. Tell your child that you’ll set the timer, so he can clean his room for 10 minutes before you go shopping. Or ask him to quickly set the table before dinner or help load the dishwasher before dessert.
With teens, you could be more comfortable, presenting the task as definitive: Dinner is in 10 minutes, so let’s set the table together.
“No cajoling or scolding; try to be matter- of- fact,” Weston says. “Present the task as a given.”
While there will be tears, especially with the infants and younger children, the rewards of self- sufficiency are worth it.
“Part of being a kid is being proud of your accomplishments — picking an outfit, getting dressed — each of them are small, attainable goals that allow you to feel good about yourself every day,” Ricchetti says.
These also are small steps to showing children that they can take care of themselves and manage their lives, says Eileen Gallo, psychotherapist and co- author of Silver Spoon Kids: How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Children.
Gallo used to give her teenager a clothing allowance and would take him to the mall to help him shop.
“The first time I did it, I helped him understand the clothing,” she says. “I told him to feel the fabric, feel the seams.”
She had a cup of tea while he walked around the mall and figured out what he wanted, and then she joined him to pay for the clothing. The following year, he was able to do it all himself.
“There are so many opportunities to guide them,” Gallo says.
But part of being self- sufficient is also learning to fail.
One year, Gallo’s son used his money to buy a wool coat. At the time, they were living in Los Angeles, so the wool coat wasn’t necessary — and he didn’t have any money left for other clothing.
It was a lesson he’d never forget.