‘Do Not Call’ a joke, but spoofers’ robocalls aren’t funny

OK, did something having to do with telephones get deregulated lately? ’Cause I’m a victim of Telephone Terrorism.

Maybe that’s too strong and serious a word in this day and time. Let’s try Telephone Annoyorism.

Being on the Federal Trade Commission’s National Do Not Call Registry is about as worthwhile as eating water gelatin. Online research indicates that as least as far back as 2012, average cellphone-owning Joes and Janes have been bombarded with bum phone calls from random numbers.

I’ve long taken to keeping my phone on silent, but man, that thing sure vibrates loud. For the past several months, it has been bzzzzzzzzzing its behind off as much as five or so times a day, thanks to calls from these random numbers. At first, I tried blocking them. But the Telephone Annoyorists find 15-20 other numbers to hide behind, apparently via a practice called “Caller ID spoofing” to make it look as though the call is coming from somewhere else. I have a feeling I ultimately attracted the Telephone Annoyorists’ attention by including my phone number when filling out online forms for those trip sweepstakes I never win.

According to a 2015 article at Thesecurityadvocate.com, “[spoofing is] used to trick people into picking up calls they otherwise wouldn’t (and to get around the National Do Not Call Registry). For a shady caller from outside the area — and often the country — a local number is less likely to raise suspicion. If the recipients do answer the calls, they’re treated to a lovely conversation with ethically challenged telemarketers, debt collectors and/or scammers. (Many of these calls, according to other online sources, are spammy robocalls.)

“As with most sketchy callers, they don’t leave a message,” the story continues. “If the recipients are curious … the result [is often] angry ‘return’ calls to … the real owner of the spoofed number.”

During March alone, I received calls supposedly from Dayton, Nev.; Denver; Fort Collins, Colo.; Omaha, Neb; Miami and Daytona Beach, Fla.; Georgeown, Mass.; and New York, New Yooork — a wonderful town. Two towns in Pennsylvania: Conshohocken, which I dare not try to pronounce, and East Marlborough. The Texas metropoles of Dallas and San Antonio. Middle River, Md. A gaggle of towns in California: Modesto, Perris, Riverside, San Andreas, San Diego, San Jacinto, and Walnut Creek.

Annnnd a whole lot of calls claiming to be from Heber Springs and Hot Springs here in the Natural State. (According to that online research, these calls most likely originate from foreign countries. So far, two numbers have registered on my caller ID as being from overseas: Australia and Jamaica. Guess the spoofer machine was down those days.)

Along with the phone calls come creepy texts from incomplete phone numbers … texts bearing my name, home address and a come-hither link, which I guess beats asking me what I’m wearing.

There is an upside. These calls can be parlayed into numerous games or rewards incentives. When you get calls from numbers registered in all 50 states, treat yourself to a new smartphone! Whoever in your group gets the most calls from any one city (or from California) gets his meal paid for! For every time you get five of these calls in an hour, your name goes in the office pot for a drawing for a gift card! Got a call from a number in a town you can’t pronounce (Holler if you hear me, Conshohocken)? Sound it out in a lovely game of charades!

Naturally, there are smartphone applications that purport to put an end to the Telephone Annoyorists. The website of one service in particular states that it has stopped more than 212,189,164 robocalls. It’s $1.99 per cellphone per month. I’m thinking about it.

I may even call you to get your opinion on it. But if you doubt it’s really me calling, I won’t hold it against you.