Political aspirations

I have decided to run for public office. I don’t have any political experience, so I’ll start small and run for president of the United States, or maybe empress or queen.

But a lot of cranky people think I shouldn’t do this. People who think they’re smart (but aren’t) say I have a serious personality disorder and call me a “narcissist.” They say I am delusional, juvenile, mean, jealous, petty, vindictive, dishonest, incompetent, dangerous and totally lacking in empathy or sympathy or one of those “-mpathies.” (They toss those fancy degrees around like poker chips so just about anyone can get one, so “lahdee-dah.”)

I’m very attractive and on a scale of one to 10 I’m easily a 13. I’m smart, successful, have tons of money and a lot of cool stuff that you don’t have. I know everything there is to know about ruling people and running countries. I never read the Constitution of Independence thingie because it’s boring and has too many big words that they wrote a long time ago and nobody cares about now anyway. I think other countries are dumb because they don’t have me in charge of them.

If I win, I can promise you all kinds of things. I can do anything you want—easy peasey—and I can do it fastly, right after lunch on my first day.

Vote for me because I’m just what you’ve been waiting for. And remember, I know where you live. LINDA A. FARRELL

Bella Vista