All hail the king
THE MORE things change in these latitudes, the clearer it becomes who holds the real power: His Sovereign Majesty King Football, who rules supreme not just in every stadium but in the hearts and minds of his subjects. His authority stretches from office to office, where squares or “quarter pools” are passed around every week, to the online world for fantasy players, and especially at high schools all over the South, where Friday nights celebrate His Highness under the lights.
In the latest exercise of His Majesty’s unchallenged might, the Arkansas Department of Health’s headquarters in the state capital had to yield precious parking territory on Thursday afternoon. The department announced that anyone trying to get copies of birth and death certificates or other such indispensable records in modern bureaucratic life (or death) will just have to find a place to park on his own. Because the spaces ordinarily reserved for visitors had been requisitioned by the Razorback Foundation for donors headed for the season opener against Florida A&M at adjoining War Memorial Stadium.
According to the foundation, premium parking spaces are awarded on the basis of a point system to holders of season tickets who give at least $750 to it.
And what about the Health Department’s staffers who ordinarily use the stadium’s parking lot? They were to be re-assigned to other work stations throughout the state.
A spokesman for the governor acknowledges that the parking kerfuffle “isn’t ideal.” But he noted that the department’s usual services will still be available and that the Guv was “delighted” to find that the department’s personnel were willing to work from other locations around the state—as if they had any choice in the matter.
Let’s not ask too many questions of our betters, especially King Football, who is, was and will surely remain supreme in the make-believe world constructed in his own image. It would be an insult to our true sovereign to question the king’s authority, let alone present him with a ticket for double parking—for his wish is our command.
Those in the know told the paper that the stadium doesn’t pay the Health Department for the use of its parking lot, nor were they aware of any written agreement between the parties. Call it just an understanding, or gentleman’s agreement if Gentle Reader prefers. But there was to be no questioning the extent of King Football’s realm, not even in this calm between storms.