Microwaves fall apart almost as fast as they cook

So maybe the Good Lord is saving us from the reported dangers of microwave-oven use.

You’ve seen the warnings. These forms of electromagnetic radiation can leak and damage our cells and tissues. They can give us cataracts. They can rob our food of their nutritional value, poison us, yada yada yada. (Seems to me that after all these years of microwave use, there’d be a new foot growing out of my mouth by now. Of course, said mouth is so often occupied by my existing foot.)

I’ve found the biggest danger of microwave ovens to be that, a mere handful of years after purchase, they find peculiar ways to malfunction at the worst possible times. Like at a time when your finances have ebbed much more than they’ve flowed. Or right after you’ve bought microwave popcorn.

We are among those whose microwave ovens have chosen various methods of departure over the years. Our last oven began arcing due to the demise of the waveguide cover — that funny-looking panel on the oven wall that’s made of something called mica, which can eventually break down after absorbing moisture and food debris. YouTube videos and other online tutorials show how to replace these. But we live in a cheaper-to-replacethan-fix society. And we aren’t do-it-yourself-inclined enough not to fear that any attempts we make to fix an appliance ourselves might land us on the 10 o’clock news.

So we replaced that microwave with the current microwave, now some 5 years old. It worked faithfully until week before last, when the door-latch assembly decided to take a dive, rendering the door unable to close and the machine useless. Dr. Google reveals that just like the waveguide cover in a microwave is subject to take a powder, its door latch is subject to go slack, meaning the oven’s interior light stays on but the oven won’t come on.

Allow me to pause here to say that it’s bad when you learn about machines’ inner workings mainly because of the new ways they find to break down. Reminds me of my first couple of cars.

Again, YouTube steps in with do-it-yourself tutorials. The hosts of these tutorials show how to carefully pry the inner trim panel off the door and replace the doorlatch assembly — supposedly made the same in just about all microwaves. One person shared online how he used epoxy putty to re-create the little plastic bottom mount that holds the latch’s tension spring in place. This bottom mount is the usual culprit in these malfunctions, according to another YouTube post that shows how to fix this problem. So we face some choices. Choice A: Open the door up, confirm the problem is the latch assembly, make sure the oven is still unplugged and attempt to make what the online community says is a “quick and easy repair” with or without ordering the replacement part.

Choice B: Wuss out and pony up for a new machine again.

Choice C: Refuse to take the World Health Organization’s word for it that, “when used according to manufacturers’ instructions, microwave ovens are safe and convenient for heating and cooking a variety of foods” and, therefore, discontinue their use. Believing that these ovens are going to make our eyeballs eventually fall out and our skin eventually glow green would definitely save trouble and/or money.

Choice D: Decide that microwaves are a bad societal influence because they cause us to want everything in general to happen fast for us … and, therefore, discontinue their use. By the way, there’s a “How to break up with Your Microwave” video on YouTube.

At the moment I’ll opt for Choice E: Be grateful that our money-gobbling cars are, at least, built to last longer than our microwaves.