Seek companionship, or give it a chance to find you

DEAR CAROLYN: I am single woman in my late 30s. In short, I want to be in a relationship, but I just can’t get one to stick.

Not surprisingly, I have a tendency to go after men who aren’t ready to be serious (extremely successful, a bit younger, handsome), and I’m not interested in the guys who are interested me. I was in a relationship for years with someone completely emotionally unavailable. I just got used to having what amounted to a part-time boyfriend with no future. That relationship, which I chose, contributed to a dichotomy in my self-esteem, since this spectacular man loved me, but not enough to be with me fully.

There is a string of men just like him in my dating history: forming a great connection with someone really impressive then having to end things after they tell me they aren’t in the right place to be in a relationship. As much as I would like to believe them, my low self-esteem rears its head, telling me it’s all me (I’m not x enough). Developing feelings and getting disappointed time and time again is getting so hard.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t help but be attracted to these types of guys, whether it’s because they don’t want me or because they falsely feed into my self-esteem. If I could snap my fingers and change this, I would. I don’t know how to be attracted to other kinds of men. If I can’t fix this, I’ll actually end up alone. Your guidance would be appreciated.

— Anonymous

DEAR READER: There is a lot going on here, I suspect, with family history, emotional patterns and confidence alone, with a few societal myths thrown in. Therapy might be the most responsible and productive course.

But if we can start with a new definition of “really impressive” — “(extremely successful, a bit younger, handsome)”?! — maybe that’s also where we can end it.

What do a person’s looks or age say about his merits? How are these not largely accidents of birth?

“Successful” at least says something, but even then, whatever it says has little meaning without context. A person can inherit millions, manage not to lose all of them, and be “successful”; or have vision and a work ethic and be “successful”; or turn away higher-paying work to serve a greater sense of purpose and be “successful.” Just three of countless examples.

So if you can take a sledgehammer to any part of your idea of “impressive” that doesn’t involve strength of character, then you’ll clear some space for nuance.

And while we’re at this demolition phase: Take down the idea that you “can’t help” your attractions. Some will be out of our conscious reach, yes — but not all. Our minds are way more powerful than we tend to give them credit for, and they can make dramatic changes to the trajectory of our lives even if we just change our thoughts on the margins.

If you, for example, sincerely and persuasively redefine “impressive,” and live your life by the new definition, and be patient with yourself, then there’s a real chance you can reshape your perceptions and attractions, too.

People who listen well are impressive. People whose egos don’t own them are impressive. People who tune out noise and live by their own values are impressive. People who do the hard things others avoid are impressive. Unselfishness is impressive.

Think of some of these on your own.

And if it helps, think of classic beauty and money and charm as society’s melody. It’s catchy, a natural center of attention, but that doesn’t mean you can’t quiet yourself down and listen for its rhythm and harmony, too, in the people with subtler qualities. The ones just as worth having, if not more so. Train your ear to hear them.

Unless every couple you’ve ever known was forged of rich youthful hotness, you’ve witnessed this process firsthand: people falling for each other and enjoying each other for their own reasons, not a script’s. The laughter, the acceptance, the warmth.

Such overhauls can take time. If you’re game to try, then, instead of trying to date through it, please instead make a conscious decision upfront to stop looking. (Small words, big hurdle, worth the effort.) Replace your practice of “go[ing] after men” with a new lifestyle, one that answers this question: If you knew for sure you’d meet someone but it wouldn’t be until 10 years from now, how would you want to live until then?

Without the dating distraction, you’d live more fully in your moment, on your terms, right? Presumably with an eye out for companionship from people who fit your interests, not your mold. Men, women, older, younger.

For this phase of your life, make friends — not war with yourself. You might even find you’re gradually falling for one of these like-minded companions. And if you don’t? Then you will manage that surrounded by the life and friendships you built to suit yourself.

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