Opting out of in-laws’ grand reopening doesn’t go well
DEAR CAROLYN: I haven’t been handling the big reopening well at all so far. My in-laws planned no fewer than five gatherings in a week’s time as soon as everyone was vaccinated, and even pre-pandemic I found them to be overbearing and limited my time with them. I managed only two out of those five gatherings, politely declined the rest, and was met with a guilt-trippy, “What a shame, we haven’t seen you in over a year.”
My husband supports my need to pass, but I still feel bad. How do we set good boundaries these days when people are trying to make up for lost time? — Still Isolating
From In-Laws
DEAR READER: You mean, how do you do exactly what you already did?
You set the boundary. You held that boundary.
What you didn’t do, or haven’t learned to do yet, is feel utterly entitled to set and hold the boundary: to feel so certain that it’s your place to decide how to allot your time — not your in-laws’ or anyone else’s — that you’re impervious to guilt.
Guilt is a transaction. People can schedule all the guilt trips for you they please, but you’re the one who chooses whether to go on them. You can also choose not to, always — not to feel guilt, not to agree you have anything to feel guilty about, not to change your approach under anyone else’s pressure.
If you believe joining two gatherings of five is appropriate, then the only thing you need to do now is stand up for your own beliefs — against the pressure you’re putting on yourself.
DEAR CAROLYN: My wife and I welcomed our first child into our life a month ago. My wife’s parents have been radicalized by Fox/OAN over the past 16 months with a dramatic change around the election. We’ve put up lots of boundaries over the past year.
The week after our son was born, I asked that everyone in the family share their vaccination status with us before visiting so we could plan accordingly. Her parents haven’t spoken with us since.
Part of me feels like I should reach out to bring them back in to our lives. Another part tells me our vaccination ask was a perfectly sufficient litmus test.
— Thinking of Cutting Ties
DEAR READER: A “litmus test” is an ill-advised escalation. One needlessly politicized branch of the family is already one too many.
However, health precautions are a necessary adjustment to having a newborn, especially during a pandemic. With the ongoing guidance of your pediatrician, keep deciding where to draw your lines in the interest of your baby’s health, absolutely — and keep holding those lines against people who choose to prioritize themselves and their feelings instead. That’s not a litmus test or an escalation or political statement — that’s just your job as a parent.
That also means “cutting ties,” as you suggest in your signature, would be gratuitous, and another ill-advised political leap. For one thing, they’ve apparently cut you off. Why gild the lily. Plus, if you stick to making and enforcing evidence-based, doctor-approved, health-centric decisions, then you don’t need to reach beyond that to draw other conclusions or impose other sanctions. Simply leave it to others to satisfy your conditions or not, and to accept (or rail about or lash out at) the consequences of their own choices at their own leisure.
If conditions change to the extent that you need to be more proactive, then make sure your wife takes the lead in those decisions. They are her parents and yet you’ve written an “I”-based letter. Decisions this big need to be unified ones; “unilateral” is for emergency use only.
DEAR CAROLYN: I received a large inheritance from a sister, who gave nothing to our other four sisters. I want to leave this money to my other sisters if I die before them. I told them this, and one accused me of not honoring the sister who gave me the money. Listen — I’ve invested the money and have lots of other money in an estate. I thought this was a nice thing to do. How do I get over the anger at this sister who yelled at me?
— Heir
DEAR READER: If you leave me money, I won’t yell at you. Just saying.
You have your strong views, clearly — and they’re generous, good for you. Your late sister also clearly had strong views. Your yelling sister? Strong views.
One way to get over your anger is to see the pattern, then recognize your yelling sister is merely doing her version of what you’ve all been taught to do. You’re all in the family business of big-statement-making, in your own ways.
If you can, then just acknowledge that. See if it sits OK with you that way — then carry on with your own, admirable statement undeterred. If yelling sister still finds it disrespectful, then she can always give her share back.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email