Covid boyfriend is an intoxicant; she wants nourishment
DEAR CAROLYN: I spent the past six months enjoying a “covid surprise,” a new man in my life after many years single. He’s a smart, funny, kind man and in many ways we are a great match. We have fun, share interests and are both independent as well. I have a full life of work, activism and friends. But I want true love.
He’s been clear he’s not in love with me, and even after a recent wonderful trip together he said he wants to be alone a lot more and can’t really love anyone. I fell hard for him, and knowing there is not a loving connection from him makes it a very unbalanced relationship. I’ve tried going all in and living in the now. We have lots of fun. But I am often wondering when/if we’ll see each other and knowing I’m more into it than he is is taking a toll. No sweet pillow talk, no shared emotional exchanges.
Is this a situation where I should go in all whatever, all now? Or do I read the (very clear) tea leaves and break up? It makes me sad he can’t love me and doesn’t want to.
I’m not sure I’ll ever find such a good match again.
— Sad
DEAR READER: I hope not, for your sake.
There’s nothing “good” about a match that produces deprivation, suspense and selfdoubt.
Well, OK — the chemistry is apparently good, when you’re together.
But that just means you have to treat this relationship as an intoxicant vs. nourishment.
As with most intoxicants, that’s fine if you can handle it, if you can have a little, not overdo it, enjoy it for what it is and then walk away. If instead you’re mashing the lever like a coke-addicted lab rat and waking up wrecked, then you’d best recognize moderation isn’t an option and “all in, all now,” is going to get you hurt.
It’s pretty clear he’s the latter for you, a substance you crave too much and suffer withdrawals from too acutely to interact with safely.
More importantly, though, is the matter of “true love” you drop in your opening paragraph.
If that is what you want, then your question answers itself. You want emotional nourishment. This is not it.
So, hold out for it — and, more importantly, make yourself open to it, not just in man form but in all forms, which you can’t be if you’re preoccupied by wondering if today’s the day surprise-guy decides to show up.
DEAR CAROLYN: I recently used sharp language with a friend after an exhausting misunderstanding about a mutual friend.
In so many words, in a thoughtless early morning text, I accused her of lying to me (without actually coming out and saying it).
She is understandably hurt and angry. I had been frustrated with her behavior and instead of talking it out with her, I wrote the text.
We are not speaking. She texts my husband and ignores my texts and emails. (We are good friends as couples, so her texting my husband is not unusual or threatening.) I know a face-to-face conversation is in order, but am unsure how to clear this up. I’m exhausted by trying to figure out what to do, even though a call and an apology are probably in order.
My husband is pressuring me to get this resolved. I feel I need time to find the right words and right time.
— Ashamed
DEAR READER: There is no “how” to be “unsure” of besides, “I am so sorry. Instead of treating you with respect, I lashed out, and I deeply regret that.” That’s it. No excuses or justifications. Say this in person.
Any further dwelling on the “right words” or “right time” or using text or email buffers is just stalling.
I hope you will have seen this yourself by the time of publication, or your husband will have forced the issue out of pure middle-manic exasperation.
Even then, you might still dig into why this ever got so “exhausting.” Arguing an issue past the point of frustration, lashing out, and hiding from consequences can be smaller symptoms of a larger sense of shame. Or, as seen from the outside, a self-protective impulse that’s strong enough to overwhelm your better judgment sometimes.
If this sounds at all familiar, or just if you tend to get into these standoffs, you might then try talking to a therapist about it. The ability to bite back the worst things you
think of saying, to drop an argument even when you’re sure you’re right, and to apologize fully, promptly, live, and with
no strings attached, isn’t weakness. It’s strength: If you’re OK with you then you don’t need this win over her, or him, or them.
The math of backing down changes entirely when there’s abuse in the equation, past or especially present — but if that’s the case here, then running a possible lash-out/ shame cycle by a professional makes even more urgent sense.