Girlfriend still excuses her roommate’s racist remarks
DEAR CAROLYN: My girlfriend lives with two roommates and I live alone with my dog. She has raised the issue of spending most of our time at my house and wants a more equitable arrangement. I completely understand and in normal circumstances it wouldn’t be a problem.
However, a few months ago, my girlfriend and I were out with her roommate when we decided to jump into an Uber. I wasn’t even adjusted in my seat before the roommate acted like a racist jerk to the Uber driver. I interrupted and let him know he had two options: Zip it or get out of the car immediately. Yes, there was alcohol involved.
When I brought up the incident later with my girlfriend, to my surprise, she started making excuses for him, and tried to claim he was actually a “nice guy.” I explained I wasn’t willing to tolerate that behavior, and was uncomfortable being in her house while he was there.
At the time she said she understood, but she’s back pushing the equitable time between houses again. She said she’s starting to feel resentful of always having to come to my side of town.
Am I being unreasonable here? Do I suck it up and stay at her place, even with the racist roommate? — Uncomfortable
DEAR READER: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is the roommate the only person here who disgusts you? Why is your girlfriend off the hook?
Racism doesn’t remain entrenched for centuries without the inhumane work of people thinking and expressing racist thoughts, obviously. But no one gets away with spewing racist abuse for centuries without those handy roommates, bearing witness and still saying, “Aw, jeez, but he’s such a nice guy!”
Your girlfriend is a much bigger part of the problem than you’re taking responsibility for, which makes you part of the problem, too. Stop giving yourself a pass on giving her a pass: “I’m glad you’ve brought it up again. I’m still really disturbed that you defended your roommate after the way he treated the Uber driver. I was appalled. Somehow you weren’t. I am angry at myself for not addressing this sooner, for taking the path of least relationship resistance.”
You absolutely did the right thing in the moment by drawing a hard line with the roommate. History keeps proving, unfortunately, that it takes more than that. This is your chance to do more.
DEAR CAROLYN: I have a friend who has had three serial relationships with men who dumped her unceremoniously after she rushed at them with the idea that they move in together. I’m talking a few months of knowing the men, and one of them was mainly online.
She says she “so wants a loving relationship,” but what she equally is looking for is savings on rent. The last dumping was painful and I nursed her through it.
Then I decided to tell her the truth, that she rushes things and perhaps ought to simply find a regular roommate, because love takes time. She exploded at me with resentment, exclaimed that I have no idea what I’m talking about — I am in a healthy romantic relationship — and that she thought I was her friend, and so on. We haven’t spoken in months.
I curiously miss her. She’s intelligent, well-read and fun. But I am tired of her toxicity. Still, I wonder if my unsolicited advice merits an apology on my part.
— Wondering Friend
DEAR READER: No, it doesn’t. You are the good friend who had the courage to tell her with words what these men told her with breakups, a language she apparently didn’t understand. You could easily have taken up the men’s cause, too, since you’re saying her intent was to use them for cash. It seems you went easy on her.
Obviously the whole issue can end here, as ill-suited friends part ways and stay parted. But you also have the
option of making an overture to restore the friendship, if that’s what you really want — on new terms where you treat her as an intelligent, wellread, fun person you respect enough not to coddle disingenuously.
Unsolicited advice is a dead end, yes. But that still leaves questions: “How do you think you got into this pattern?” or just, “I have thoughts, do you want to hear them?” You can also decide (or mutually agree) to stay off the whole topic of love.
Whether she wants to have that friend in you — and be that friend to you, I hope — will be up to her.
By the way — that you are “in a healthy romantic relationship” is good news and to your credit, but to mistake that for any kind of credentials would be hubris. What gave you standing to speak up to your friend was simply being a somewhat disinterested observer who was called in to help. Fortunately for us both, that’s enough.