Can you be a good person if you must work at it?
DEAR CAROLYN: “She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body”: I saw this written about someone the other day, and it occurred to me this will never, ever be said about me.
I try my best every day to be a good person, but I fall short in all sorts of ways. Rolling my eyes internally at something, or raising my voice more than I’d like at my kids.
Does this mean I’m not a good person, if I have to try at it? Is it something to aim for, to “not have a mean bone?” If so, how?
— Falls Short
DEAR READER: If you’re me, surgery.
Take this for the compromised answer it is: Having to try to be good doesn’t make you a bad person any more than having to try at math makes you a bad student, or having to try at cooking makes you a bad cook.
Your kids see you try to master yourself, hear you apologize after you raise your voice (right?), and learn from you how to live honorably within the bounds of human imperfection.
True, eye-rolling is not humanity at its best — unless people need the satirical relief, in which case it’s at least an asset. So maybe the definition of “good” has some Lycra in it, too.
We all show up here with strengths, weaknesses, deficits, and so much to learn. Being a good person inevitably includes the self-awareness to cultivate strengths and minimize or compensate for weaknesses.
Some people do seem kind, decent, generous, forgiving, wise from the start. But for those of us who don’t come by these naturally, better we at least try to achieve them against our natures than succumb to the pull to be jerks. I could argue the greatest of human glory awaits us in the effort.
DEAR CAROLYN: A wealthy relative lets my husband and me stay at her beachfront house in California. While the location is fantastic and we love the freebie, the place is musty-smelling and dirty throughout. The relative lives out of town and seldom visits her beach house. Her longtime cleaner supposedly gives the house a deep cleaning, but it’s disgusting.
I realize this is a “firstworld” problem, but I’d like your opinion. Should I say something to my relative or just let it go? We don’t plan to stay there again.
— Nasty Neat
DEAR READER: So if the person being misled is wealthy, it doesn’t matter?
I understand the intentions behind “first-world problem” and appreciate maintaining perspective — but there’s a fine line between that and, “My respect for your humanity ends where your money begins.”
Tell your relative the cleaner is not keeping up. Apologize for being the bearer of bad tidings. Sound grateful.
Not that you said you’d do this, but also refrain from speculating on what has gone wrong. It could be the cleaner sees opportunity in this wealthy, inattentive client, and gladly collects for doing nothing — but there also could be old loyalties there and some ravages of age. Tact rarely goes to waste.
You could also offer to be on-site to supervise if your relative would like to call in a service — an inexpensive thank-you gift for the freebies — or even to bring one in at your own expense, but that is strictly up to you.