Friend who tells gay jokes has possibly gay son
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m a married man with three wonderful kids and a wonderful wife. My great friend and business partner is a married man with two wonderful kids and a wonderful wife. He’s a fairly religious (but silent about it) kind of guy.
Over the years, my friend has gently acknowledged that some of my gay relatives are not eligible for an entry ticket to heaven. He’s not the least bit mean-spirited about it. More like a sad acknowledgment we should “pray for them.” I’m not religious so his theological musing hasn’t bothered me — although it’s jarring coming from such an otherwise kind and open person.
It’s becoming abundantly clear this same friend’s oldest son, as he passes through puberty, is gay. My friend seems oblivious — and I believe he sincerely is. To everyone else, the child’s trajectory is fairly clear (although we could certainly all be mistaken).
Normally, I would stay out of this entirely. It’s not my business. But in my presence and the presence of his son — and wife and grandparents — my friend often will make gay jokes. For example, an older male friend and I often travel together. It’s purely platonic but when I return, the gay jokes come out — causing the family to titter. He uses “gay” as a common jab at many of our friends.
This in itself would not concern me — our circle of friends often makes irreverent jokes, although not in front of children. In this case, however, it is made in the presence of a child who is very, very likely facing the discovery of things about himself that his father might not be comfortable with — yet I can’t say, “Don’t be joking like that in front of your gay son.”
I do think his father will ultimately accept his son, regardless of his sexual orientation. However, it’s the potential damage being done to the child in the here-and-now that concerns me. I wonder if perhaps in this case, I should not mind my own business.
— Wondering
DEAR READER: Yuk yuk yuk, the irreverent, “That’s so gay!” joke.
Just, no.
And you ran right into why that’s a hard no, but you’re trying to call it something else.
It’s not because a-whoopsie-do!, one of the jokers might have a gay son! It’s because calling someone “gay” as an irreverent joke is not irreverent and it’s not a joke. It’s a relic from the Before Times when people worked so so hard to make excuses for why hate speech somehow wasn’t hate speech instead of just changing their speech.
What you’ve been doing is gross. If you believe people are equally entitled to dignity, then you won’t use demographics as slurs. That applies to “gay,” obviously, but also “like a girl,” or “dumb [ethnicity],” or “fat [whatever]” or the many many more. And if anyone complains about being thought-policed or similar, allow me to counter-complain about the limited imagination and facility with the utterly massive English language one must have to need these “jokes” in their lives. I came from that era and culture, too, and I got over it. So can you.
That is precisely where, why and how you “butt in” on decency’s behalf, not just a maybe-or-maybe-not-gay kid’s: “Hey. Stop. ‘Gay’ is for real human beings, not fossilized jokes.” Or, to use your words, “Don’t be joking like that.” Period. Without your “… in front of your gay son” qualifier, since what you’re really saying is, “… because one of ‘us’ might be one of ‘them,’” which morally isn’t worth spit. It’s right or it isn’t.
Let your “wonderful” families hear you say no to these slurs, too, including those children you’re all somehow not joking in front of but also joking in front of.
By the way — for a guy who is so insistent about distancing himself from homosexuality? Your friend sure seems to think about it. A lot.
DEAR CAROLYN: So my brother resigned from his cushy remote city job due to their vaccine mandate and inexplicably moved on to an even cushier remote position with a private company for better pay. I didn’t want him getting fired or sick from covid, but I was hoping there was something, anything, just one freaking thing in this universe that would’ve convinced him into getting vaccinated to protect his high-risk family and infant daughter. Instead he gets rewarded for selfishly sailing through the pandemic, unfettered by any lifestyle restrictions, while others who did everything right for the sake of public health lost so much (including me and my spouse).
How do I let go of this resentment that I’m feeling? I’m disgusted with both of us.
— Resenting the Golden Boy
DEAR READER: Sometimes life regurgitates a reminder that the reason to do the right thing is for its own sake — for the longer-range, greater good — and not for any immediate personal reward. I’m sorry this one hit your shoe. Your conscience understands, and will welcome you back once you ride out this wave of disgust. Let’s hope “Golden Boy” doesn’t kill anyone.