Physical after-effects of a breakup
When Woody Allen abandoned his partner Mia Farrow for her adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn, he explained himself by saying, “The heart wants what it wants.”
But what about the heart that’s being abandoned?
Most of us consider heartbreak an emotion. But it can have a physical effect as well.
Florence Williams found this out the hard way. Her marriage ended after 25 years. “I immediately felt the grief and sorrow registering in my body, which really surprised me,” she said. “There’s an unspoken peril of heartbreak that directly affects white blood cells in our immune system. Our body feels like we are threatened.”
She was shocked, she told host host Jenn White on NPR’s “1A.”
“It wasn’t what I wanted; I felt I wasn’t in control. My future was uncertain. Things I relied on were no longer there. It felt physically threatening.”
When she discovered her blood sugars were high, an endocrinologist confirmed a surprising diagnosis: diabetes type 1, sometimes called type 1.5, which comes from the immune system attacking the pancreas.
Being a journalist, author, and podcaster, Williams wanted to know: What is the science? “Why was heartbreak so physical? I went after the evidence.”
Autoimmune diseases can appear after a stress trigger, according to Stanford University molecular geneticist Michael Snyder. Studies by Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman at UCLA showed that social rejection is associated with parts of the brain responsible for processing pain.
Another study from psychologist Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan showed that in instances of extreme loss or social rejection, the part of your brain that awakens during painful sensory experiences turns on. “These results give new meaning to the idea that social rejection ‘hurts’,” he said.
Scientists have known for decades that death and disease increase after divorce. Some are trying to investigate which antibodies, inflammation markers, and gene sequences can lead to trouble.
Researchers at Ohio State University found that adults who were struggling emotionally with recent divorces produced fewer natural killer cells, which are important for fighting cancer and other diseases. Those adults were also more likely to get sick from viruses like Epstein-Barr (aka human herpes virus 4) than their married peers.
Grief is part of the equation. If your sister dies, nobody suggests that you should get over it and move on. But that’s often what people say to those who have lost a love. Grief departs when it’s good and ready. Negative side effects associated with severe grief include exhaustion, muscle tightness, insomnia, lack of energy, loss of appetite, overeating, headaches and chest pressure.
Trying to recover and move on is hindered by social media, which allows us to contact anyone at any time, and to follow that person with a degree of ease that is almost terrifying, according to medium.com.
It used to be that a former partner could be avoided by staying away from his/her favorite restaurants, bars, gyms, dog parks, bike routes, running trails, shopping areas, office, and events held by mutual friends. Not any more.
Tara Marshall, lecturer in psychology at Brunel University London, found that a third of people involved in a relationship admitted that they “very often” looked at their current partner’s Facebook page, and about the same number said they Facebook-stalked an ex-partner through Facebook at least once a week.
“Facebook surveillance is often perceived as a typical harmless response to a breakup, but I’ve found that such Facebook stalking may obstruct the natural process of getting over an ex,” she said.
“Blocking your ex on social media after a breakup—particularly a very painful breakup—can certainly help you move on, ” says couples therapist Dr. Gary Brown on news platform Elite Daily. “Breakups can be traumatic for both partners, no matter who ended it. It helps to not have constant reminders of your ex.”
If moving on as quickly as possible is a main objective, he says, “removing the person from your feed could certainly help you accomplish that.”
Steve Cole, professor of medicine, psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at the UCLA School of Medicine, calls loneliness one of the most toxic risk factors known to human health. “Our internal defense forces can’t do everything at once,” he explained. “It must take cues from our nervous system—for example, the release of stress hormones when we feel threatened—and determine where to direct its resources.”
Researching and writing “Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey,” published in February, helped Williams come to grips with her situation. “I was surprised by how deeply our bodies register social pain,” she said. “Yet it made me feel more alive.
“It feels so despondent. There is a shore on the other side, but it’s very hard to see that. It requires a lot of work, a lot of insight. There are hidden landmines of physical existence.”
Along with what she describes as a bottomless canyon of grief, “I was able to experience some deep joy, deep beauty … it made me ultimately grateful for the experience.”
If only everyone could feel that way.