Be a role model
Uncle Sam wants you … to be civil
If you have been concerned about America’s mood and direction, you are not alone. In 2020 a Pew Foundation study found that in 1997, 64 percent of Americans had trusted their fellow citizens; by 2020 that figure had dropped to 34 percent. Another 2020 poll, by The Wall Street Journal and NBC News, found that 80 percent of Americans agreed that the country was “out of control.”
Many analysts have attributed this recent 20-year period of American angst and disconnect to a media that has been taken over by profit-maximizing corporations that sell sensationalism, social media defining and dividing us into impersonal tribal algorithms, and political demagoguery becoming more successful in this angry, divided atmosphere. Similar factors have caused increases in polarization and incivility in other countries and have led to breakdowns in democratic institutions; the same can happen here.
However, there are also encouraging signs.
A 2020 study found that people who have strong personal convictions are only one-third as likely to be swayed by outside influences (friends, media, social media, demagogues) as are those who seek external guidance, authority and security; and a 2021 study found that a majority of Americans actually agree on 15 of the top 20 “most important goals for America.”
The combined data from these various studies suggest that a key element in “turning America around” and restoring civility to daily life and stability to democracy itself is for more Americans to rediscover their confidence in their own personal guiding principles.
Many of our core values are based upon personal life experiences (the values of your beloved grandmother, core principles of your religious faith, the goals that most Americans still share, etc.) while other core principles are shared universally by all of humanity (the Golden Rule, don’t steal, don’t lie, etc.)
Americans must restore their faith and their commitment to these core values rather than allow themselves to be swayed by negative outside influences. Just as “joining the wrong group” in high school produced negative consequences, attempting to become what the media, social media and divisive politicians tell us to become creates a similar loss of self, depression and despair, while remaining grounded in ourselves and our own true beliefs creates an upward spiral of personal internal peace, confidence and connection to others based on shared truths.
Remember, America’s mood has deteriorated dramatically in just the past 20 years, from the national unity following 9/11 to the current “out of control” atmosphere. It can be restored just as quickly if we prioritize living by our own values rather than allowing ourselves to be led by groupthink tribes.
Here are 10 actions that all Americans can enact to achieve greater civility and satisfaction in their personal lives, and inspire the same in others:
1. Listen and ask questions more than you speak (two ears/one mouth; you don’t learn if you are the one talking, etc.).
2. Listen to understand, not to insult.
3. Be truly curious about the uniqueness of the other person, their life story and how it created their beliefs; ask questions, want to understand.
4. When you do speak, make constructive positive statements; make lemonade instead of lemons (“if you can’t say something nice …”).
5. When expressing a personal opinion, say “I think …” rather than “Everybody knows …”; you are expressing your opinion, not a universal truth.
6. Focus on where you agree; look for common ground, not for how to score insult points.
7. Acknowledge that you are imperfect and can improve; model humility rather than inflict humiliation.
8. Say something complimentary about the other; build an ongoing relationship rather than try to win a one-time battle.
9. If the other insists on remaining angry, politely end the conversation.
10. Start seeking new friends based upon shared enjoyable interests (cooking, music, sports, etc.) rather than seeking enemies based upon anger and resentment.
For 50 years, one of us had a close friend who we talked, called or texted an average of three to four times a week even though his political views were much more extreme. Yet we were able to talk civilly about politics and many other topics and enjoyed a rich, long friendship because we both valued that friendship much more than we valued political issues. We both understood that we had no control over national politics but immense control over the enjoyment of our relationship.
Recently one of us had lunch with someone and, despite our political differences, we had a long, civil discussion about such political issues as the Supreme Court and media sensationalism. When a couple at the table behind us got up to leave, they approached and said, “We just want you to know that we have been eavesdropping on you because it has been so refreshing to hear a couple of people be able to have a civil discussion.”
Yes, the renewal of civic trust and national confidence can start with you. Remember, our national unity has greatly deteriorated in just the past 20 years; we can restore it just as quickly.
Resolve today to start modeling civil communication with your family, friends, at work, in your church and community groups. Now more than ever, Uncle Sam needs you to serve as a positive model for how we can respectfully work together toward a more civil, more cooperative, stronger America.