Halloween costumes that we’d like to see this year
Now I’m not a Halloween-er, But I kinda like the candy …
— To be sung to the tune of “Never Been to Spain” by Three Dog Night
’Tis true. I haven’t observed Halloween for years; not my cup of tea … but I do unashamedly go for any leftover Halloween candy being set or doled out somewhere, especially if said candy bears the name Snickers or Reese’s. And I do tend to note, usually while scrolling social media, the costumes people are going for and the success with which they pull them off.
According to an
Oct. 1 Huffpost story, this year’s Halloween costumery may not be all “House of the Dragon,” “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” or “Star Wars: Whatever” fare.
“39 Weird Halloween Costumes,
From Outrageous To Asinine” by David Moye mentions, and displays, such All Hallows’ Eve finery as … a pack of birth control pills. A hand sanitizer wall dispenser. An empty roll of toilet paper. A cowboy boot — not complete cowboy regalia, just … a … cowboy boot. A blue “Inflatable Violet Beauregarde” costume, a nod to the star-crossed character in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.” An Elvis costume for the pooch. Cap’n Crunch. A sexy Bob Ross “Happy Tree Painter” costume?
But fewer costumes would be more suitable than those that reflect what’s going on in the world in which we currently live.
Here are some get-ups that even a non-Halloween celebrant might like to see pulled off:
■ A nonstop campaign commercial. This could be as simple as strapping a TV screen to oneself with ever-looping videos of a particular politician’s “pick-me” promotion. The downside: You’ll risk eviction from the Halloween party by a host
who (a) dislikes the candidate whose commercial is shown or (b) is understandably sick of campaign commercials to the point of madness.
■ Economic inflation … for which the “Inflatable Violet Beauregarde” could double. Or get the “empty roll of toilet paper” costume and hang a sign around your neck: “Sorry, this product has become too expensive for replenishment.” Or the Cap’n Crunch costume, with its own sign: “I may be a cap’n, but now you’ve gotta pay a four-star general’s price for me, Dawg.”
■ A rubber chicken, doused with green paint to indicate that it has been marinated in Nyquil. What more fitting tribute for this bit of truth that’s proved to be stranger than fiction?
■ Every Kardashian woman who ever lived and dominated the media (yes, Kylie and Kendall Jenner count). Wear something vampy and change masks/wigs throughout the duration of the function you attend. Sport on your arm a life-size cutout with interchangeable heads: Kanye, Pete, Travis, Ray J, Lamar, Scott, Kris, Tyga …
■ An aging pro football player. If you really are up there in age, all you’ll need is the uniform. Make it even better and get your spouse or sweetie to dress as an aging pro cheerleader!
■ A Hallmark Christmas movie. A couple can carry this one out: The high-powered cynical exec/greedy bigtime developer and the small-town cookie baker. The prince/princess and the commoner. The “country mouse” and the “city mouse.” Heck, just get some pieces from the Bradford Exchange or Department 56; hang them on, glue them on or otherwise attach them to yourself; and bam, you’re a small village decked out for Christmas. Your companion can be the person who left you years ago and is reluctantly returning to you for a visit.
■ A giant cup of Starbucks coffee. Mark yourself as “venti” size and con people into paying for you. You should collect quite a few bucks.
■ Bennifer. Half J-Lo, half Ben Affleck. Do it do it do it. Even better, get your companion to accompany you as a scowling A-Rod (or one of J-Lo’s other exes).
■ Arkansas weather. No money needed to create this costume. Reach into your winter and summer closets simultaneously and pull out your coat, flip flips, umbrella, sunglasses, wool hat … and shorts to pull on over your long johns. Enjoy!
■ The year 2023. Hit up the New Year’s Eve party-ware stores early — or get some cardboard, scissors and a marker — and go as the year that your fellow party guests are eagerly awaiting because they’re so sick of 2022 or are dreading because they fear it will be even worse than 2022.
■ A microscopic image of a “good” virus, bearing such labels as “love,” “faith,” “charity,” “harmony” or “random kindness/senseless acts of beauty.” Who knows? You may just spread.