Can she trust a boyfriend who left his ex at the altar?
DEAR CAROLYN: I’ve been dating “Matt” for four months or so, and we are starting to dig into some of the dirtier details from our pasts. I knew Matt had been engaged once before and he broke it off, but didn’t think much of that; there are, of course, lots of reasons a person might call off a wedding. But I am just now learning that he ended the engagement literally 24 hours before they were supposed to walk down the aisle. The guests had checked in, and the money was spent.
This goes a long way to explain why she now absolutely hates him and they have no relationship. It also gives me major pause, because I am having a hard time thinking of any reason a person would need to wait that long to change course in such a dramatic fashion. I have not pried beyond what he wants to tell me, but do you think I am justified in asking more questions? And is leaving someone at the altar unforgivable?
— Digging In
DEAR READER: You would be justified in asking more questions even if you could think of 20 reasons it would be forgivable to leave someone at the altar.
(Which I can, by the way, easily, because “aha” moments come when they come.)
If you’re dating with hopes for a relationship, and if the hopes are mutual, then you are basically interviewing each other for a position of ultimate trust. That means you not only ask the hard questions, but also take as a given that you have the standing to when it seems relevant to you.
“You didn’t say why you called off your wedding last-minute, and I figured you’d share when you’re ready. But it’s rattling around in my head, so I decided just to ask.”
It also means anyone who balks or takes offense at what you regard as a necessary, character-based line of inquiry is probably not for you.
This may seem fraught, since someone could — for example — feel creepily entitled to know your number of prior sexual partners as “a necessary, character-based line of inquiry.” But if that’s how someone you’re dating judges character, then that is definitely something you want said aloud.
That’s an extreme hypothetical, but the basics apply: These are just different versions of the same, any-honest-outcome-is-a-good-outcome theory, where staying together mismatched is worse than an awkward breakup. Both of you benefit when both of you take the opportunities to live openly by your values.
It’s clear your values are stretched taut by the runaway groom, so voice your concerns and ask for the answers they need. He agrees or flees, which looks like a win either way to me.
DEAR CAROLYN: After years of trying, my husband and I are expecting our first child soon, and we’re overjoyed. My best friend threw us a small shower and asked us to create a baby registry for it, so we did. It was wonderful, and we are set for the first few months.
My mother-in-law forwarded the registry to the rest of my husband’s extended family who didn’t make it to the shower. We have no expectations that people will get us anything more, but every time we speak to my motherin-law, she asks if we’ve gotten anything from my husband’s family yet. When we say no, she is so hurt and talks about all the wedding, baby, birthday, graduation, etc. gifts she’s gotten them.
I really regret how this whole registry might end up driving a wedge between her and her siblings and nieces and nephews. My husband thinks it’s giving her something to focus on besides worrying about the baby and therefore it’s OK. Is there anything I can do to help my mother-in-law focus on the good stuff?
— Expecting
DEAR READER: Close the registry. You have what you need for now, and apparently there isn’t more coming. When your mother-inlaw asks, tell her it’s closed and you’d like the subject to be, too, so you can focus on your family’s abundant good fortune. Hold firm and stop feeding her grievance.
Acknowledge her feelings, too, if you can do so sincerely. For one thing, people who feel heard are less likely to dwell on those grievances.
And, while scorekeeping and expecting gifts are hardly polite, it does appear that producing gifts for family members’ life milestones is a custom she understood and paid into for years. Decades, maybe. I’d guess pretty heavily in both cash and effort. If so, she’s far from alone, but apparently the custom is phasing out in her circle just as she’d be completing her round.
I’m long on the record with my opposition to compulsory gifts and bean-counting, and still there. But I can also feel for someone watching her social system yield to a new one she apparently doesn’t understand just in time to greet her first (right?) grandbaby. Compassion seems defensible.
More so, at least, than welcoming this anxiety to distract her from an anxiety that annoys her son more. (Um. Wow?) Maybe your husband can find a positive way to engage his mom?