Divorcing son insists that his parents choose his side
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared June 3, 2009.
DEAR CAROLYN: After 13 years of marriage and several children, my son found a girlfriend, and now the once-loving couple is getting a divorce.
My son has distanced himself from us — while my daughter-in-law calls for support and encouragement. Son rarely takes our calls and makes no effort to visit, while soon-to-be-former daughterin-law actively seeks our company.
What do we do? Son is angry, and makes veiled threats: “If you continue to see her, then …”
Solve this problem for us and we will write back and ask how we can accept the “other woman” into our home. People can be unhappy and get a divorce. Cheating is not acceptable. Is that the source of my problem?
— F.
DEAR READER: It’s certainly possible. No one likes being judged, adults chafe at being judged more than children do, and parental judgment stings more than judgment by strangers. That’s why parents who judge their adult children need to be particularly mindful of their power.
There may also be aggravating factors. If your son knows you’re right and feels guilty, then he could be unleashing on you the anger he feels at himself. Childish to the extreme, but common nevertheless.
If on the other hand your son knows your daughter-inlaw isn’t the saint she’s making herself out to be, then he could be angry that you’re taking her side without question.
The latter is, admittedly, a stretch; it would take a noble soul to withhold dirt on his soon-to-be-ex, and noble souls don’t traffic in cheating and veiled threats.
But I offer the possibility anyway, to illustrate a larger point: As bad as things appear from the outside — and as well as you surely know your son — you’re still on the outside. You don’t know what went on in his marriage. So please factor the possibility of unknowns into the decisions you make.
Then start making those very difficult decisions, including how far you’ll go to back your daughter-in-law; whether you’ll welcome the “other woman” and, if so, how; and how to best serve the interests of your grandchildren.
Each of these hinges on the most important decision of all: whether you banish your son and his new love for their deplorable behavior, or bite your tongue and embrace them.
It’s natural to be torn between the two — this is your baby, after all — but it’s also destructive. Reaching out to him, yet still making bitter remarks about the quote-unquote other woman, only feeds into the atmosphere of tension and bile.
So figure out exactly which stand you’re prepared to take, and then take it, with full awareness of the possible consequences. It won’t be easy (“wrenching” is more like it); however, it’s your best chance at coming through this without regrets of your own.
For example: Your son and his new love are welcome in your life, but so is the mother of your grandchildren, and if he doesn’t like it, then tough; it’s your right to make such a choice.
Whatever stand you do take, it is your right to — just as it was your son’s right to make the choices he made. If nothing else, you can set an example for him of considering the consequences beforehand, instead of his method of raging at them after the fact.