Partner who moved for the other wonders about ‘my turn’
DEAR CAROLYN: We moved from New York to the Midwest for my partner’s job — a huge culture change for both of us, but it came with some immediate upgrades to our quality of life. I am able to telework full time, and his new job is quite a bit better-paying, plus the cost of living here is lower.
Still, I wake up every morning with a voice in my head reminding me that I left my old life behind for him. There is a part of me that knows if the tables had been turned — a new job opportunity for me — he would not have agreed to uproot in the same way.
But what do I do with that information? We are both happy and thriving here, so should I just let the imbalance lie?
— When Is It My Turn? DEAR READER: I guess that depends on what your definitions of “upgrades,” “happy” and “thriving” are.
I should say this upfront: Whenever letting something go is an option — as opposed to just ignoring it till it festers — take it. Always. The ability to do that is a superpower, and if you have it, then don’t squander it.
But if that hasn’t worked for you here, for whatever nagging reason, then let your imbalance concerns lie only for as long as you need to figure out what to do with them.
Uprooting from a place you love for a partner you love is going to come with intensely conflicted feelings. You can be objectively better for the move — if there is such a thing — and still grieve. It’s not just for the people and places, which can be significant losses, but also the version of yourself you leave behind.
Sometimes these gaps in your life stay unfilled. No point in pretending the sense of loss always goes away completely. And the range of impact runs from near zero to devastating.
Because of that, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong or selfish of one partner to be unwilling to move while asking that of the other. If the emotional costs aren’t perfectly symmetrical for each partner, then it makes no sense for your duties to each other to be. Not in the sense of counting them relocation-for-relocation, bean-for-bean.
So the question to ask yourself is whether the entirety of your investment in each other feels balanced. He wouldn’t relocate for your job, OK, but he would _____. And _____. And _____. That could be enough to put this to rest.
If you don’t feel that larger balance: Do you need to, before you can be fully trusting and secure with your partner?
And if you need that, is there a meaningful, makable adjustment in your relationship that would square things up? Even if it’s just a sincere and ungrudging “I owe you one”? You want a definition of “my turn” that has nuance, but not self-denial.
And if there is an adjustment you want him to make, do you trust your relationship to support that kind of tough conversation without anyone getting defensive?
Each of these mental calculations can deepen your understanding of “happy and thriving” in your relationship, and of yourself, really — which is where I suspect you’ll find a satisfying response to that wake-up voice in your head.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or email