Partner ‘sick’ at thought of hosting lover’s deadbeat dad
DEAR CAROLYN: My girlfriend is an amazing person despite having, in a lot of ways, a traumatic childhood with very little joy in it. Her dad left before she could even remember and rarely came around, and her mom worked a lot, so she spent a lot of time alone. The stories she casually tells me just break my heart. Like how for her 6th birthday, her mom scraped up enough money for a nice dinner and a cake and her dad and his family were supposed to show for it. She and her mom sat there under the balloons and streamers and nobody came.
She always forgave him and invited him for stuff, but he no-showed her high school graduation and most Christmases.
Now we have a nice house together, and she wants to invite her dad and his girlfriend for Christmas Eve, but I don’t want to. I’ve only met the man three times, so the chance they’ll show is slim, but the thought of having to smile at him over Christmas Eve dinner makes me sick.
Do I have to defer to my girlfriend, or can I tell her how I feel?
— Anonymous
DEAR READER: Second of all , you can both defer and say how you feel.
But phrase it thoughtfully because, first of all, you don’t want to add your distress to the weight she already carries of just trying to be loved.
If you can manage your feelings as your own problem, enough to be available to her, then yes to communicating both messages. Your feelings and your support are both important.
That might sound like this: “Given everything you’ve told me about your dad, it’s hard for me to welcome him. That said, it’s not about me — it’s your family, so it’s about what you want and need. Sign me up for Christmas Eve, tell me what you need from me, and let’s keep talking so we’re here for each other throughout.”
This may be Phase 1 in a long reckoning with him, which he may never show up for. Your showing up for her is what counts. Good stuff.
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m part of a group of college friends that has continued for decades. One was always the charming but unreliable player — counted on to noshow events, even if he was bringing major portions of the meal, or to end up sleeping with another friend’s girlfriend. We all just laughed it off as, “Oh, that’s Tim.”
He married, had a kid, and, about 12 years later, showed up with a new partner, telling us he’d had an affair for several years, dumped his wife and was marrying “Lisa.” We were told we had to agree Lisa was the best thing that ever happened to him and move her directly into our group. He’d cleaned out a good part of his kid’s college fund to finance the new romance.
I couldn’t, so I stopped our friendship. In retrospect, I was ashamed that we had just laughed off the horrible things he’d done to other people in the past.
Years have gone by. Lisa didn’t last long, and some in our group rebuilt friendships with Tim — mainly the men — and some have not — mainly the women. Every so often, one of the guys will say I need to restart the friendship for old times’ sake. I don’t see the need. Am I closed-minded?
— Anonymous
DEAR READER: He stole from his child. No.
Can the “old-times”-ers answer for that?
We’re complex creatures. We can, simultaneously, forgive loved ones’ frailties and keep a principled distance from those we’ve outgrown, or really don’t like anymore.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or email tellme@washpost.com