Wishing you a merry Christmas specifically
‘Tis the day before Christmas, and as we go through these final hours beforehand, I, the Talkmistress, wish you a merry day.
Not only that, I offer these specific Christmas wishes.
May all the Christmas shopping you had to do be done already. Should you be one of those procrastinators better known as Christmas Eve shoppers, may you successfully complete said shopping today with life and limb intact.
May your Christmas decoration efforts have been duly appreciated by neighbors and visitors. May your inflatable decorations be yet standing, giving you no provocation to curse and thumb your nose (or worse) at them after coming outside and finding them toppled over and/or flattened for the umpteenth time. May your real Christmas tree still be moist; your fake tree be authentic-looking; and may neither have been toppled by kiddies or cats.
May your travel plans not have been hampered by bad weather, airline scheduling problems/flight delays, plane, train or automobile breakdowns, malfunctioning alarm clocks, or foot-dragging by you or fellow travelers.
May you have no fruitcake put before you … unless you’re among the Pod People who actually favor this fare; in such a case, may you be reveling in divine fruitcakeyness.
May your Roast Beast for tomorrow be at least approaching doneness.
May “If it’s Christmas, it has no calories” be true for you (well, us all).
May you not open a cupboard or other compartment say, six months from now and find some funky Christmas cookies or other once-edible holiday treats that were brought home from a party, shoved aside and forgotten about.
May your children have been not naughty but nice, and may they remain so throughout the next year, not just out of hope that they will get a big haul from Santa. Meanwhile, may they be happy with whatever gifts they get.
And may just the thing you wanted await you under the tree! Ladies, may you receive no mixer or vacuum cleaner when you wanted that piece of jewelry or snazzy new outfit. Gentlemen, may you receive no chainsaw or tires when you wanted … er, well, you probably wanted those anyway. May no one receive any (unintentionally) ugly Christmas sweaters.
May any Ebenezer Scrooges out there have a change of heart — when it comes to loving and caring for others, not just pertaining to this holiday — and may their Bob Cratchits benefit therefore.
May the Christmas movies, Hallmark and otherwise, not have your eyes a-glaze. (I actually watched and enjoyed the new
Eddie Murphy Christmas comedy, “Candy Cane Lane,” but my assessment of it may have been in the minority, according to a story at thesun.co.uk headlined “Prime Video fans rip into Eddie Murphy’s new film branding it ‘the worst Christmas movie I’ve ever seen.’” Really, the worst? Have you people seen “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”? Anyway … )
May you be on time for Christmas Eve/Day church services, and if your church’s Christmas program is slated for today or tomorrow, may all the little ones avoid stage fright and remember their speeches. May any living-nativity actors also avoid said stage fright; and may they not trip and fall onstage, lose their wings, be struck with sudden coughing or sneezing fits, get tickled at the worst time, pass gas or otherwise blow the moment.
May your family gathering be drama-free, the spirit of peace on earth and goodwill toward everybody strong within your walls. (And may those relatives who always just have to make comments or cracks about your excess weight be struck not just by the Christmas spirit, but the spirit of diplomacy this year.)
Throwing this in to be on the safe side, with all apologies to our capable Arkansas TV weather forecasters: May your Christmas not be unexpectedly white.
And yes, you knew this was coming from the Talkmistress … May you remember the true reason for the season. All I want for Christmaaaaaas … is … email!