What to tell a friend who just proposed to his abusive partner?
DEAR CAROLYN: I have a close friend who is 35, handsome and intelligent but, for reasons I can’t fathom, not the most self-assured. For several years, he has been in a relationship with a woman even less self-assured than he is. She regularly berates him for “not making her feel better about herself.” He’s shown me text exchanges in which she is incredibly abusive, and he has often told me about her spectacular tantrums and his doubts about the relationship. She either adores or hates him, and his strategy is to ignore her while she is in hate mode.
I have been forthright with him that her treatment of him is concerning to me. I suggested professional support, at least for himself, if not both of them. He did not do this.
After hemming and hawing about it for months, he recently proposed to her. Less than a week after the proposal, what had previously been verbal abuse became physical. She attacked my friend over a deficiency in his attention.
When my friend told me this, he assured me the relationship was over, but so far, he hasn’t ended it. I do think there is religious pressure to get hitched.
I could tell when we last spoke that he was reluctant to admit he hadn’t broken up with her. I don’t want him to feel judged, so I’m done with forthright suggestions. But this is hard to watch. I am hoping you have ideas for how to more constructively express my concerns, or feel more comfortable shutting up.
— Friend
DEAR READER: Your friend plans to marry his abuser, so there is no comfort to be had in “shutting up.”
Not much wisdom in it, either, given how silence often reads as approval or acceptance.
Relationships, of course, are the sole business of the people in them, almost without exception, and therefore whether others approve or accept is not germane — but abuse is the main reason for that “almost.” Especially given the denial and gaslighting involved with abuse, and the risk of serious harm, it’s essential for witnesses to be clear in their messaging that such treatment is not OK.
The toughest thing for a loving bystander like you, however, besides watching your friend suffer, is to figure out what to say that won’t make things worse.
So, here’s what tends not to help:
■ Silence.
■ Criticizing the abuser directly. Your friend may feel compelled to defend her, which sets his mind to work one justifying her behavior exactly when it’s in his best interests to question it. And he may feel moved to defend himself, since your concern can come across as questioning his competence at choosing a partner. Either way, defensiveness turns away new information, while his health and safety depend on his absorbing it.
■ Criticizing his choices. Even softer versions of, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone back,” “Why are you OK with this,” etc., are more dings to his battered confidence. Take his withholding as a cue not to say anything you suspect will drain his confidence further.
Here’s what tends to help:
■ Building confidence. That can include assuring him he can count on you: “I’d like to be a safe person for you to talk to. I won’t judge, and I will listen when you tell me what does and doesn’t help.”
It can include caring enough to listen carefully. Reflecting what he says back to him (“You sound angry about her complaint”), asking relevant questions (“How do you think you’ll respond?”) and checking in (“If you’re not comfortable talking about this, we can move on”) all send people a clear message they’re valuable and their words and experiences matter. It is essential counterprogramming to her messages that she comes first and everything he does is wrong.
It also can be a confidence-builder to talk about other things sometimes. He’s more than his abusive fiancée. Be a steady reminder of that.
■ Focusing on his well-being. Where you want to scream, “Look what she’s doing to you aaaaagh!!!” say evenly instead, “You seem subdued/ stressed/distracted today/ lately.” Note the effect truthfully, exactly as you see it, and let him two-plus-two the cause. The effect is the thing, after all; if he were plugging happily along, credibly, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation, right? Even if she were a troll.
■ Giving him a guaranteed escape hatch: “If you ever need me, call. 24/7. No questions asked.” Again, no mention of her. He’ll know.
■ Running your questions by experts as they come up. The National Domestic Violence Hotline isn’t just for victims of intimate partner abuse, but also for their loved ones as they try to navigate being supportive through this upsetting territory.
I expect none of us has to look very far to find someone who, for whatever reason, never achieved escape velocity from an abuser’s gravitational pull. All you can guarantee is that your friend can count on your steady, boundaried presence in his fight to break free.