Mom-in-law hits jackpot with way to avoid communication
DEAR CAROLYN: My mother-in-law has never been very kind or welcoming to me, so we don’t have a close bond, but I love her as a part of my family. She visits us from another state for the weekend every few months.
The past few visits, she’s been repeating, completely out of the blue, that if she ever won the lottery, she wouldn’t give her children any of the money. If this were a one-time comment, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, but she’s been consistently repeating it for months.
It feels wrong to ignore, but my spouse has asked me not to respond to her. I can’t get a real explanation for why I can’t say something.
It strikes me as a cry for open communication, but historically, their family dynamic has only allowed for extremely stilted, impersonal conversations.
Does this seem like something I can reasonably ask about the next time it comes up? My spouse says even asking, “What would you do with the money?” is a bad idea. — Silent Spouse
DEAR READER: OK, this is just weird.
But it’s her weird, we’re all just living in it.
The woman obviously has something to say, and no intention of actually saying it. That is her prerogative, just as it’s your spouse’s prerogative to prefer not to get into it, whatever “it” is.
It’s also, for what it’s worth, zero surprise that a parent who set this example for “communication” — sarcasm quotation marks required — with her own kid(s) would be a little standoffish with you. So I hope you don’t take her personally. And I hope you work on improving the communication between you and your spouse, nudging that apple a good safe distance from the tree.
As for the specific answer, what you’re supposed to do with this weird fixation of hers: It would seem like something you can reasonably ask about, of course, since she’s practically begging you to, except your spouse asked you not to and that’s the far more important relationship.
That said, between your mother-in-law’s steely determination not to say what she really means and your spouse’s steely determination not to ask, there does appear to be a narrow landing strip. It’s just enough room for you to riff on what you’d do if you won the lottery yourself. Embroider something new every time: “If I won, I’d put it all into a scholarship fund.” “Family compound, chef, masseuse, personal DJ.” “I could fund 25,000 community dog parks with that.”
I know this is a facetious answer advising you to conjure more facetious answers. But in this case, it’s sincere. It seems more sporting than just letting her comments hang there unacknowledged, for one. And you may just confuse her enough to start a real conversation, even if it’s about something else. It’s also appropriate in the given circumstances. That’s because, as serious as the emotional blockage appears to be in this family, you have not been invited to help clear it. On the contrary: You’re explicitly uninvited. Therefore, it is a valid approach to respect the boundary, embrace the superficial and invite them to come to you whenever, if ever, they’re ready to talk.