Conspiracies, sports don’t mix

After mom, apple pie and baseball, nothing is more American than the Super Bowl. It combines sports, music, human interest stories, creative TV ads and rivalry all at once in a blizzard of hype and pageantry. Unfortunately, it’s also sometimes polluted by politics.

I’m not a huge fan of pro football. I’m not against it. It’s just that my brain can only do so many things at one time, so my allegiance in team sports pretty much begins and ends with the Arkansas Razorbacks.

But what red-blooded American skips the Super Bowl? Not many. By Forbes’ accounting, this year’s Super Bowl was watched by 115.1 million American men, women and children, which eclipses last year’s total of 115 million.

While it’s unfortunate that politics invaded what should otherwise be a celebration of a favorite American pastime, it made its way into the discussion, so I’m going to talk about it.

To a large degree, this was a game the extreme right couldn’t win.

For one thing, it pitted a team from the heartland of America against a team from that godless cesspool of humanity otherwise known as the Left Coast. And how could any self-respecting right-winger support a team from the hometown of Nancy Pelosi and (gasp!) Gavin Newsom? It’s where Colin Kaepernick first took a knee, for goodness sake! Lord have mercy.

So, it should have been cut and dried. The Kansas City Chiefs should have been a shoo-in to gain conservative support.

But that wasn’t possible because Travis Kelce, arguably the best tight end in the NFL, is a Pfizer spokesman, and that company came up with a vaccine for covid. Oh the horrors!

However, the bigger deal was about his girlfriend, Taylor Swift. She’s an avowed antiTrumper, and everyone knows it. She endorsed President Biden in his 2020 race, and the conspiracy put out there was that the NFL rigged the path to a Super Bowl win so she could use the platform to say what everyone already knows: She’s for Biden.

Yes, it was a ridiculous conspiracy theory, and my prediction in this space last week that it wouldn’t come to pass was about as bold as predicting the sun will rise, on schedule, tomorrow morning.

There are far too many holes in the theory, but the biggest question is why would Taylor Swift go through the effort to reach 115 million viewers when she can just fire off on social media and reach her reported 270 million followers?

This is not the first time politics has entered sports, and it won’t be the last. I remember many years ago when a group fighting for women’s rights protested the Masters Tournament because only males were allowed to join Augusta National.

Not to disparage any group seeking to correct what they see as injustice, but it sure doesn’t seem like opening the door for female members at Augusta National does much for the woman in Afghanistan who is not allowed to show her face.

However, since we know that sports events will be politicized in the future, for fun I thought I’d provide a little friendly advice for those still living in mom’s basement and dreaming up, or at least believing in, the kind of poppycock that surrounded this year’s Super Bowl.

First, stop making stuff up and spreading it on the Internet. It makes you a liar and ultimately proves that you’re an idiot when the time comes and goes and the conspiracy fails to unfold. This is a lot like asking for world peace, but it had to be said.

Second, if you do feel the absolute necessity to make up and/or spread conspiracies, resist the urge to put an end date on it. It makes it so much easier for reality to destroy what little if any credibility the conspiracist may have, and will jeopardize future attempts at telling fairy tales.

Third, instead of wading into sports, keep talking about other ludicrous things like the “Deep State” whose existence couldn’t readily be proven even if it was real, which it’s not. This strategy ultimately turns into an annoying—to most of us—but never-ending gift that keeps on giving.

As ridiculous as all the above is, nobody is laughing their way to the bank more than the NFL. Its popularity allowed the networks to charge $7 million for a 30-second ad, which may have been worth it. Not only did this Super Bowl beat last year’s record by 100,000 viewers, it became the second-most watched TV event in history behind 1969’s moon landing.

Once again, say it with me: The only TV event seen by more viewers than Sunday’s Super Bowl was 1969’s moon landing.

What does it say about America that of the two most viewed shows in history, one was about sports and the other was about landing on a rock 52 zillion miles away?

I’d say it means we can walk and chew gum at the same time. The more fun question, however, is what does it say that there are still Americans alive who don’t believe we ever went to the moon? It will probably mean that a chunk of Americans will go to their graves believing that Taylor Swift endorsed Joe Biden during half-time of the 2024 Super Bowl, even though it didn’t happen.

Like I said, nothing is more American.