She’s dating a new guy and mortified by her own snoring
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m a middle-aged hetero woman who has been divorced for many years. I gained 20 pounds over the past couple of years due to hormone imbalance (thanks, menopause!). I’ve also recently discovered that I snore. Over the past few months, I would sometimes wake myself up during the night with a single “snort.” I downloaded an app that records sounds while I’m sleeping, and to my dismay, I learned that while it isn’t horribly loud, there’s no denying I snore.
Why this has become a problem now is that I started dating New Guy about four months ago. Although we’ve been intimate, we’ve so far had only two sleepovers. I have never been super comfortable sleeping with someone overnight, so I try to keep those at a minimum. But now that I know I snore, I can’t bear the thought of an overnight visit.
So what do I say to New Guy? Do I apologize for probably snoring during our two overnight visits? I don’t want any more overnights now — I’m so embarrassed — but he deserves to know the reason. I’m under a doctor’s care for my menopause symptoms and working on losing the weight, but I don’t know what to do in the meantime.
For reference, my ex-husband snored so badly we had to sleep in separate rooms, so I know how unbearable it can be.
— Anonymous
DEAR READER: My goodness, are you always so tough on yourself?
You have a body. It’s changing with time. You’re working on mitigating whatever negative effects you’re able to mitigate within reason, or at least by your definition of it.
So what else are you supposed to offer anyone beyond that? At some point, every one of us becomes a love-itor-leave-it adventure.
You snore, he loves it or leaves it, at least till you and your doctor address underlying causes. (ASAP.)
And stop dodging. My advice upon winning this and other corporeal jackpots is to own your humanity, out loud: “I just figured out that I snore. I hope you find that adorable.”
If you can’t imagine being so frank, then my advice prerequisite is to work toward crossing that honesty threshold. Learn to accept yourself before you worry about whether anyone else accepts you.
You might be surprised by how much of the hard work of relationships is behind you once you complete that first step.
Never forget, too, that all our faults, real or perceived, are filters. You don’t want someone who can’t get past your less-than-smoking-hot traits.
The man who sees your faults as a small price to pay for the joy of being close to you, and about whom you feel the same? That’s the right fit for you both. And the only way to find out whether you have it is to let your snort flag fly.
DEAR CAROLYN: Our daughter is nearing college age. We’ve been saving, but we’ll probably still have to take out loans to pay for her education. My well-off father-in-law has contributed a very small amount to her college fund over the years. On the other hand, he regularly gives many tens of thousands of dollars to charities and organizations, and even scholarship funds at universities.
I’m so confused. She is his only grandchild. Why is she not worthy of more financial contributions? I know — his money, his business — but at this point, it’s almost hurtful. I just don’t understand his reasoning, and a bitterness is growing within me.
I don’t want to feel that way, but I just feel slighted on my daughter’s behalf.
— Slighted
DEAR READER: I feel this, as a current payer of college tuitions that pinch.
I can even join you in some of your mystification, since lifting up one’s own family through future generations is much more our cultural style right now than lifting up nameless others. Your fatherin-law does seem outside the norm.
But I can’t sign on to the victim narrative you’re nurturing here. She is “not worthy”? And being “slighted,” so you’re “hurt”?
That is not a facts-at-facevalue approach. You’ve added a filter of your choosing, which escalates a pretty normal “10 grand would sure be nice right now” to bitterness. You’re in protective and angry parent-bear mode where acceptance would serve you much better.
For acceptance, dial back to facts at face value: Your father-in-law focuses on public philanthropy over family.
Then from there, attribute a motive for his choice that is the least personal, least insulting and absolute least reflection on your daughter (or you).
Maybe: He believes more in helping many disadvantaged kids through college than in helping one who’s in pretty good shape.
Best part, this doesn’t even have to be true. You just need to decide it is to reverse your bitterness: “I won’t lie, we’d love the help, but how can we complain when he’s a hero to so many kids?”
Before you decide whether to start framing it this way in your own mind, think of your daughter: What example are you setting for her?