CAROLYN HAX

DEAR CAROLYN: My twin sister graduated college last May and began a new — very high paying — job in January. She’s incredibly smart with work and school, but doesn’t make the best choices with men.

For example, she has been in a relationship with “Jim” for over a year to hear her tell it, but Jim refuses to admit they are dating or even friends. She recently moved about an hour away for her job. She wants him to quit his job

and move in with her. Carolyn, is there anything I can do to help her see he is using her? He lies to his parents about where he is when they are together, he won’t give her an official title, and he’s almost mean to her in public. I can’t stand the thought of my sister supporting a jerk. Advice?

— Sister Situation

My advice is to do one of t he hardest things possible: Let go. Your sister is an adult, it’s her life, and it’s not your job to fix her. Be her friend, her safe place, her biggest booster, her subtle reminder of what a supportive relationship feels like, but don’t give in to the impulse to be her guardian.

The encouraging pa rt of making this choice is that when she really does need someone to step in — say, if she is ever with an abuser, versus a mere user — you will still have standing to do so. One of the hardest lessons people learn in your position is that interfering now means, down the road when the next guy makes this guy seem like Lloyd Dobler (http://imdb.to/1rk8dz1), she’ll greet your concern with years of experience at tuning you out.

Do speak up when he’s mean to her around you. That much you can do.