Got boomerang children? Set up ground rules
You may have heard about boomerang children — kids who have fled the nest but return a few years later to live with mom and dad.
A recent report from Pew Research has found that for the first time ever, more young adults are living with their parents than with a spouse or partner. In 2014, 32.1 percent of adults ages 18 to 34 had returned to their parents’ home, while 31.6 percent were residing with a spouse or partner in their own household. This is quite a turnaround from 1960, when 62 percent were living with a spouse/partner and just 20 percent with their parents.
The trend is tied to a few factors, one of which is the postponement of marriage. The median age of first marriage has risen steadily for decades, as many couples live together before walking down the aisle. Still, many more Americans are eschewing the traditional coupling arrangements seen in the past: The overall share of young adults either married or living with an unmarried partner has substantially fallen since 1990.
If postponement of marriage is one factor, so too is economic reality. The severity and length of the recent recession caused adult children to flounder, and many had to take lower-paying jobs than they had expected.
Even now, as college graduates are enjoying the best job market since the recession, many are choosing a more financially prudent life that allows them to accumulate assets, pay down debt and secure their financial futures. Most parents would applaud such parsimony, but the reality of having kids return home is not always a welcome transition.
To make this sort of arrangement work, communication is key. Parents need to outline their expectations. Will the child do housework, contribute to groceries and pay rent? How long will the arrangement last? If the child is unemployed, what must he do to show that he is actively looking?
If you are a son or daughter who has returned home, remember, you are an adult now, so remind your parents that you will behave like one and hope to be treated as such. A friend of mine tried to impose a curfew on her 24-year-old daughter. Guess how well that went over.
After both sides openly and honestly discuss the ground rules, agree to revisit the plan in three months. There obviously can be some flexibility, but to make sure you are on the same page, put the agreement in writing.
Finally, I will pass on some tips from the American Grandparents Association for multi-generational households:
Make room:
“It’s not the amount of space that matters,” according to the AGA, but rather “the respect for independence and privacy. Make sure all members of the family have a spot they can call their own where they won’t be disturbed.”
Make time:
“Some families hold regular meetings, others leave notes,” the AGA observes. Face-to-face contact is preferable to settle conflicts, catch up and more.
Treat your family like friends:
“You treat your friends with patience, listen to what they have to say, provide advice/ feedback only when asked and you give them the benefit of the doubt. Try to treat your family with as much consideration, and multigenerational living will go much more smoothly.”