Becoming a parent after 40

Older first-time moms are navigating pregnancy and child rearing in a world that seems to cater to younger counterparts

After multiple miscarriages and a long bout with infertility, Iris Waichler gave herself one more chance, at age 45, to become pregnant. She had a baby. But little did she know how different it would be to become a first-time mother who was nearly 20 years older than the average first-time mom — 26, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s latest statistics; it was 25 when Waichler gave birth in 2000.

“I had talked with moms in their 20s, and it was like talking in another language,” says the Chicago-based part-time author and mom to a college freshman.

Most of the younger moms she met hadn’t experienced infertility, nor had they faced the potentially dangerous and nervewracking complications that can be linked with a geriatric pregnancy, she said.

According to the March of Dimes, pregnant women older than 35 are more likely to have gestational diabetes, high blood pressure and preeclampsia, and their children face a greater risk of complications such as Down syndrome. A 2017 study found that children born to older moms also have an increased risk of heart disease, congenital malformations and mental disorders.

It really puts life into perspective, Waichler said.

As the average age of a first-time parent increases — in some cities, such as Washington, D.C., the age has risen as much as 3 ½ years since 2009 — new older parents are navigating pregnancy and child rearing in a world that seems to cater to younger parents.

For Waichler, this meant joining parenting groups specifically designed for older parents. She found other moms who understood the challenges she went through to become a parent, and they all had complicated life experiences that made them compatible. “We had so much in common,” Waichler said.

Many older parents lack the natural parenting community available to younger parents simply because the older parents’ friends had children decades ago, said Eirene Heidelberger, an Illinois-based parenting coach and founder of GIT Mom (Get It Together, Mom).

“Their current demographic of friends are in a completely different phase of their lives — they’ve all had kids and may have forgotten what it’s like to have a newborn baby,” Heidelberger said. “There may be less peer-to-peer support.”

That’s why it’s essential for older moms to find a relatable parenting group, she said.

Another difficulty that older parents may face is the physical one: Parenting takes a lot of energy, said Jaime Bronstein, San Diegobased licensed clinical social worker. A 45-year-old woman probably doesn’t have the same energy level as a 25-year-old woman, she said.

For this reason, Angie Wall, who delivered her first baby at 43, realized she needed to shape up.

Wall said her energy level was never too high to begin with, but she knew that she’d have to keep her body feeling young to be a good parent. So she began eating healthier, drinking less alcohol and exercising more often.

“I don’t have time to be old: I have a newborn,” Wall said.

But despite some of the difficulties that may come hand-in-hand with being an older parent, there are also positives.

A 2017 study published in Translational Psychiatry found that children born to older fathers are more likely to have a high IQ, and those kids have better focus levels. In addition, San Francisco researchers found that older parents are more emotionally and financially prepared for parenting than younger parents.

“Older parents may be settled in their relationships and careers, so starting a family does not take on the same choice or burden that it might for younger families,” said Jamie Kreiter, a licensed clinical social worker in Chicago.

This is a theme that many of the older parents interviewed mentioned.

Sunny Fawkes, 47, said she had all her traveling and partying out of her system before giving birth to her first child five years ago. Her total focus is on her son, and that’s exactly how she wanted it to be. “I don’t care about Friday nights or restaurants anymore — I’ve done that,” she said.

Wall agreed. She said that her patience is also better, now that she’s acquired wisdom with age.

“My life is at a place where I can give him my all because I had time to live life for me,” Wall said.

The key is being ready and available for a child, despite having lived for so long on your own terms, said Heidelberger, who explained that although older parents may expect to be done with their former lives and ready to change everything for their new addition — it could also be harder for those who have lived for so long without a child.

“As we age, we develop a strong personal routine,” Heidelberger said. “We become set in our ways, and having children later in life challenges this routine.”

Parents are thrust into an out-of-control situation, when they’re used to being completely in control, and it could be more difficult to adapt to this new normal the older you get.

Waichler reminded herself that having a child was an adjustment — but one that she could get used to and adapt to, just like any other change in her life. It was moving on to the next phase.

She said she’s just grateful that she had this chance to move on to that phase before she couldn’t conceive anymore, especially since she got married later in life.

Waichler is in her 60s now — her daughter just left the nest this year — and said she doesn’t have any regrets, even though she is in a different stage of her life than her peers.

Wall feels about it in a similar way. Many of her friends are grandparents now, but she said she doesn’t feel old enough to be a grandparent, nor does she feel like an older mom. “He’s forcing me not to be my age,” Wall said. “It’s such a blessing.” Danielle Braff is a freelancer.