How to decline a friend’s hospitality
You love visiting your friends. But there’s one problem: You don’t love their guest room. Perhaps the mattress is lumpy or the walls are too thin. Maybe you’re a sensitive sleeper who needs control over the thermostat. Either way, getting out of an overnight invite can be tricky.
If hosts are insistent — and their accommodations aren’t great — that can put a reluctant houseguest in an awkward etiquette position, said Lizzie Post, co-host of the “Awesome Etiquette” podcast and co-president of the Emily Post Institute. But you don’t have to insult your hosts’ home to turn down their offer. Blame yourself instead.
“There’s no reason to judge other people’s hospitality when we have something on our own to point to: ‘I’ve realized it’s best if I have my own space and a little bit of breathing room,’” said Post.
And there’s no reason to lie. You can keep it vague while emphasizing how much you’re looking forward to dinner or a night filled with board games, Post suggested.
Use privacy as an excuse if you’re traveling as a couple. Tell the hosts that you and your partner just want some alone time, and you’re using the trip as “a nice little getaway," said etiquette expert Elaine Swann, founder of the Swann School of Protocol. Hopefully, they’ll get the picture. If you’re traveling solo, Swan said, “wave that flag of me time.”
“You almost want to mention the fact that you’re not staying there as an afterthought,” said Swann. “Focus more on the wonderful things that you’ll do together.”
Be prepared for hurt feelings.
Turning down an offer of hospitality can come across as judgmental, even if you point to your bad back or your love of hotel soaps. Your hosts might get offended because it can seem as if you’re telling them their space isn’t good enough.
“It’s their home, and it’s their invitation they’ve issued that somehow seems less than to you,” said Post. “It’s really hard to hear that.”
Swann agreed that the simple act of turning down the offer — no matter the reason — can seem like an affront. But you shouldn’t make yourself uncomfortable just because your host might be slighted. “People try too hard to avoid hurting people’s feelings,” said Swann. “Just recognize that they may be hurt, they may be offended. But hope that, in the end, the friendship can weather that storm.”
Should you try to fix the problem? Maybe.
If room temperature is the issue, Post thinks selfadjustments are better than asking your host to modify the thermostat: If it’s too hot, put an ice pack under your pillow or grab some water to cool off; if you’re shivering, bring plenty of socks or layer up with blankets.
If you’re only shying away from the guest room because of a fixable issue, it could be worth addressing. But Swann thinks guests should offer to help in the process. If scratchy sheets are the problem, give your friends a set of comfy bedding. If the pillow is too flat, leave a firm one for your next visit. However, If you have no intention of staying, it’s best to keep quiet. “If you tell them what’s wrong and they fix it and you still don’t want to stay there, you might as well not even tell them,” said Swann.
When you break the news that you’re going to stay elsewhere, just be mindful that you’re turning down the place where your friends live.
“People don’t like being judged in a space that’s supposed to be their private space and they’re choosing to welcome you into it,” said Post. “Our homes become a very vulnerable place for us when we let other people in.”
Don’t judge.