MONEY TALKS
How to navigate conversations about finances with friends, family
When the 2008 recession hit, Emma Connelly was in fourth grade. The mass layoffs hit close to home. “My dad was unemployed off and on for basically six years, so he became a stay-athome dad,” Connelly, 22, said. “We got very close.”
As was true for many households at the time, money had become a major source of contention for the Connelly family. “There was this constant thread of money anxiety,” Connelly said. “To this day, I think my parents feel guilty for not being able to give us more growing up.”
Despite their financial setbacks, Connelly’s parents taught their children that money isn’t everything and demonstrated the lesson through their actions. “At one point, my grandparents told my mom to leave my dad because he was unemployed,” Connelly said. “And my mom was like,
‘He’s a wonderful father, he’s a kind man, and I love him. I’m not going to leave him.’ ” Years later, when the extended family gave Connelly a hard time for pursuing a degree in studio art, Connelly’s parents supported the decision.
But when the pandemic hit, sending the global economy into yet another recession — this one reported to be worse than the last — Connelly’s money anxiety resurfaced.
“Growing up in the recession, I was already primed to worry about money all the time,” Connelly said. “Now COVID hit, and it feels like I’m in the second grade again.”
Before the pandemic, Connelly,
who lives in Los Angeles, was working three jobs and going to school. Now, Connelly hasn’t been working for the past two months. Graduating into a crisis has made finding any kind of work seem impossible. “This is the thing that everyone said was going to happen,” Connelly said.
Connelly also feels guilty talking about financial problems with friends. “I have more than other people have, so that feels weird too,” they said. “I’m trying not to have my anxiety be a tax on anybody.”
Money is an emotionally charged topic as it is, but many people are now financially struggling in new and conflicting ways. Some 17.8 million Americans are unemployed, and another 10.6 million are still on “temporary layoff,” according to data released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics in July.
Like Connelly, many people are feeling both vulnerable and guilty about their financial situations. They say talking about money feels uncomfortable, complicated and awkward. But does it have to?
Starting the conversation
Erin Lowry, the author of the “Broke Millennial” series, suggested that conversations about money could be more candid in the midst of a crisis. “Those classic awkward money conversations are going to be easier in the coming months because so many people are losing jobs or losing work hours or being furloughed,” she said.
Normally, people associate shame and judgment with money, but the current crisis has moderated that shame. “You’re seeing a lot of language repositioned that this is not your fault. It’s not a moral shortcoming on your end. This is something that is happening globally,” Lowry said. This makes it easier to broach the subject. “I think that helps people feel
OK to be open and honest about their situation,” she said.
The pandemic might serve as an icebreaker, but money is still emotional and complicated, and much of what’s happening to the economy points to a larger problem. “And that’s a much harder conversation to have,” Lowry said.
“There’s this camp that still fervently believes that the system works, this just was a glitch. They think it will be fine. And then you’re going to have another camp who’s saying that clearly there are issues with this current system. What can we do to fix it? And in a time where we’re also so politically polarized, it’s going to be very hard.”
Whether it’s a roommate who can’t afford rent, a friend who still has a job when you’ve lost yours, or a family member who needs financial support, empathy is key to navigating tricky conversations, and that’s true now more than ever, said Debra Roberts, a communication specialist and the author of “The Relationship Protocol.”
“How you bring up a topic is even more important than what you’re actually saying,” Roberts said. From the start, you should address the discomfort and let the other person know your intention. “You might say something like, ‘I know this is a complicated topic, and I want to be sensitive to what you’re experiencing,’ ” Roberts suggested.
If you’re asking a landlord for a rent reduction, for instance, you might acknowledge the fact that they’re being hit by this crisis too. If a friend has lost a job, it might feel awkward to reach out at first, especially when you still have yours, but you can address the awkwardness and let them know you’re thinking about them.
“It feels uncomfortable to talk about it, but it’s important to check in,” Roberts said. “And if you feel guilty, that’s something you need to reconcile for yourself so you can have the conversation.”
It’s human nature to avoid awkwardness in these situations, but ignoring the problem often makes it worse. In most cases, it’s best to address the discomfort from the beginning.
For example, if you’ve asked a roommate for a rent reduction because you’ve lost your job, you might feel guilty ordering takeout later. To mitigate hard feelings, have the conversation upfront, Lowry said. “Just say to them, ‘I’ve had a really bad week, and I would like to spend $15 ordering from my favorite restaurant. I