Putting kids first is the unselfish thing to do
Q: Although I have been married to one man for 3 0 years, I read your column every week. You seem to always bring it back to
“Put the children first.” My thought is maybe if parents put their relationship first instead of everything focused on the kids, there would be fewer divorces! What do you think of that?
A: I think there may be a misconception here. This column is about dealing with exes, and the aftermath of breaking up and starting over. “Put the children first” is advice based on second or subsequent relationships — when you enter a relationship with a previous responsibility to your children already in place. If you have been married to the same man for 30 years, and you have children with that man, then the family dynamic is completely different.
However, there is some truth to your statement. Children must see the strength in a primary relationship to have a model they can follow in their own life. Whether it is their first family or a bonus family, what a child sees, they will copy — or pick a partner that produces familiar feelings generated from dealing with their upbringing.
That said, of course your reasoning is understandable, but you should also know the divorce rate has decreased over the years, not necessarily because fewer people are divorcing, but because fewer people choose to marry.
Ideally, wouldn’t it be nice if all relationships were happy and no one broke up? But that’s not reality. And since we are faced with breakups, “Putting the children first” seems to be the unselfish thing to do. Rarely do children want their parents to break up, even when dysfunction is painfully evident. Parents working together in the name of their children regardless of marital status is the key.