College friend’s family is not owed anything, even butter

Dear Miss Manners: I am an older gay man and married my husband three years ago. A college friend, female, invited me, just me, to her family’s lakeside cottage for the weekend.

I spent many wonderful times at that cottage ever since college. This friend’s entire family considered me family, right up until I got married. I invited her, her family and their significant others to my wedding, but they all refused. So they definitely all know

I’m married.

This is the first I’ve heard from her since then. I wrote back and declined the invitation, stating, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t spent a night without my husband since we married, and I couldn’t imagine doing so now. But thank you so much for thinking of me.”

She sent me an incredibly nasty letter, stating that I should be able to travel without my husband to her family’s cottage that I’ve spent so much time in. There were lots of passive-aggressive comments about my never having shown proper gratitude whenever I spent time with her family. (I brought fresh clams, lobsters, corn on the cob and two pounds of butter every time I went to the cottage.)

This friend has never been married. I did not answer her letter, as it was so mean-spirited, and have quietly removed her from my contacts as clearly the friendship is over.

When mutual friends have asked me why I declined her invitation,

I’ve responded that I choose not to travel without my husband, and that since he wasn’t included in the invitation, I politely declined. I’ve asked those friends not to get involved, that this is between us and if it’s meant to be fixed, it will be.

She hasn’t shown any interest in meeting my husband. I’ve invited her out to lunch and/or dinner and she’s always busy. I’ve taken the hint and will no longer reach out. I just want an expert opinion that I’ve done all I can and have done so correctly.

Gentle reader: While not every social outing requires that spouses be involved, your friend has made her views about meeting your husband clear. Whether it is because of jealousy, personal taste or full-on prejudice, Miss Manners assures you that you need not include her in your social life if this is how she is going to behave. And you did so politely, especially given the circumstances.

You may also be assured that her family’s generous past behavior has nothing to do with this current unpleasantness. You therefore do not owe her anything. Not even butter.

Dear Miss Manners: On a trip to our local library, I used my elbow to activate the entrance door by pressing the handicap button on the side. I did this to avoid touching the door handle. My 7-year-old daughter said she thought it was inappropriate for me to use the button, as I am not disabled.

I started to explain why it was acceptable for anyone to use the button — unlike parking in a handicapped zone, it’s not unlawful to use the entrance button — but then second-guessed myself. I began to wonder if my daughter was correct: Just because the button is there doesn’t mean a non-handicapped person should use it. What say you?

Gentle reader: Your 7-year-old has perfectly captured the zeitgeist of the moment. Righting wrongs — and there are always more than enough to choose from — is virtuous, if sometimes humorless. But inventing infractions merely to put people in the wrong is not. Your use of the button was not a trespass as it harmed no one. And if anyone is about to draw a parallel to the handicapped parking space by saying that it was not being used, Miss Manners answers that you, not being 7 years old, know the difference.

Dear Miss Manners: Can you just ask everyone to please leave a toilet plunger by their toilets?

I think I must have an unusually strong toilet at home, while some of my friends have weak ones. I never seem to clog the toilet at home, but always do at other people’s houses. It is so embarrassing to ask someone where their toilet plunger is. Do I sneak around the house looking for one rather than ask? Do I try to lure my host into a separate room to speak privately?

Everybody, please, can you keep a toilet plunger by the toilet, or at least in a closet inside your bathroom? Then you’ll never have to talk to me about plungers again.

Gentle reader: Deal.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.