Avoid using accusatory words with co-parent
Q: When my children’s mother and I broke up four years ago, we made a pact that we would never go back to court. But as time went on, it got more difficult to discuss things rationally. I know I should reach out to her when we have something to discuss, but it always escalates to a fight. So I avoid it, which just makes things worse. Then I hear about how she can’t trust me because we said we’d never go back to court. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: If you want to problem-solve, not win or put your co-parent in their place, staying respectful will go a long way. That means stay away from accusatory words — they will always take the conversation in another direction.
Words like “liar,” “lying,” “you always,” “you never,” or name-calling, all these put the other party on the defense and will accelerate a discussion into an argument, not about the subject you want to discuss, but what was said during the argument. You truly will get lost in a black hole of defensiveness and misunderstanding.
Now, let’s address the other half of your question, using the courts to solve your problems.
Most co-parents hate going to court. They feel that if “court” intercedes, their power to decide is removed — and they are right. However, I can tell you from experience, the courts don’t want to raise your children. They want you to co-parent and make decisions together. If you can’t, the court is there, but it’s a last resort. Someone who doesn’t know you or your children will decide what is best for your family.
At this point, if you both can’t turn your approach to discussing something around, I’d suggest co-parenting
counseling to help you personalize a positive blueprint for problem-solving — always based on what’s best for your children. That’s good ex-etiquette.