How to handle your co-parent’s bad-mouthing
Q: My ex was always verbally abusive. He would call me terrible names and never cared if the kids were around. Now that we have broken up, he’s upped the ante. The kids are coming home with terrible stories, and I’m confident he’s saying terrible things about me to the kids. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: Good ex-etiquette rule #3, “Don’t bad-mouth,” reminds co-parents not to talk badly about their children’s other parent at any time, but especially within earshot of the children.
Children have dual allegiances — they know they are half mom and half dad. When they hear the negativity, they will personalize the badmouthing. They will find some way to make it their fault. “Maybe if I cleaned my room” or “Maybe if I got better grades, my parents would not have fought so much, and they would still be together. It’s all my fault.”
My favorite way to handle something like this is to carefully clarify what is true — not by calling out the other parent, but explaining that he or she is “mistaken.” Then explain, in child-appropriate terms, what is true. Using the word “mistaken” isn’t calling anyone a liar, it’s stating that they may not have all the facts. This then allows you to fill in the blanks without getting into a tit-for-tat insult war with your child’s other parent while your child looks on.
Let’s say a parent was late picking their child up from school. They picked up their partner with plenty of time to spare, then headed to school but got stuck in traffic. An angry vindictive parent told the child that his parent was late because he or she wanted to pick up their new partner from work instead. The other parent could say: “Honey, your mom (or dad) is mistaken. I was on my way to pick you up, but traffic was terrible, and it really slowed me down. I love you and I’m very sorry I was late.”