Don’t introduce new partner to kids during family traditions
Q: My ex and I divorced after a very public display of infidelity. Everyone knew or found out and my kids were devastated. Even though they were adults, they had a very difficult time with our divorce. After five years, I have finally met someone new. I like him very much. He will be staying with me over the upcoming holiday, and I would like to introduce my family, but I’m getting a lot of resistance and I don’t know why. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: When it comes to meeting your parents’ new partners, my advice has always been to go slow, and for the first meeting, try to meet on neutral ground — not on a holiday steeped in family tradition. There’s too much comparing, and it’s the fastest way for a new partner to appear as an interloper to family.
I am divorced and writing etiquette books on how to cope with ex issues after a breakup. I met a man I like who lives out of town. I have adult children who know my home is the holiday home. You don’t have a place to go on any holiday, my home is yours. With that in mind, I’m thinking, invite him! He’s staying at my home. He has no family nearby. He can meet the kids and we can all have a fabulous meal together. My kids, well into adulthood, lose their mind.
“I thought you said, ‘Don’t introduce new people on holidays’?!” was the chorus on each phone call. After some heated conversations, I had to admit they were right. Of course, there may be times that it is impossible to follow this rule. But if you can, it’s best to introduce someone new at a planned meeting, in a neutral place, on a neutral day that has no family traditions assigned to it. Then SLOWLY integrate your new person into day visits, dinners and family get-togethers. Springing them on your family will not get the results you want. No matter how old you are. No matter how old they are.