Talk to daughter’s mom about changing court order
Q: My daughter, age 7, continually tells me that she wants to spend more time with me. I don’t want to badmouth her mother, who is adamant about following the court order, so I told my daughter that the judge has told us what to do and we must follow what the judge says. It hasn’t helped. In fact, it’s become even worse. What’s good ex-etiquette? A: There are few red flags here, and I bet you will be surprised when I point them out. It’s great that you don’t want to badmouth mom. However, two misconceptions may change the way you handle this in the future.
First, you don’t have to stick to the court order if you and mom have an agreement to do something else. I emphasize “agreement.” You can’t just arbitrarily change anything, but if you agree on a change, write yourselves a letter with that agreement, sign it, date it, get it notarized if you want to, but your new agreement is legal and you have not violated a court order if you both follow your new agreement.
Second, children think the sun rises and sets with their parents. Their parents are their protectors. That’s who makes them feel safe and secure. Telling your daughter that the judge is responsible tells your child that you do not have control over her well-being, that someone other than mom and dad makes the big decisions for her, and that’s simply not true.
If you agreed about your child’s custody, the judge would just sign the agreement. If you don’t agree, that’s when a judge steps in, but it’s only because the children’s parents can’t put their own issues aside and equitably decide where their child lives. The judge is the boss in this situation because you and mom made them the boss.
If either of you is frightened by the court order, may I suggest some co-parenting counseling to help you reassess your positions, and start working together for your child’s sake.