Cooperate to create a holiday schedule that supports both faiths
Q: My ex is Christian and I am Jewish. When we were together, we made a vow that we would support each other’s faith in the eyes of the children. This is our first attempt to celebrate the holidays after our split, and we have yet to put an agreed upon holiday schedule in place. Passover is on Wednesday this year. It is his week, and he is reluctant to let the kids come over. I’m horrified by his attitude. It’s like nothing we ever said or did ever happened. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: This is a tough one. Everyone believes their way of worship is the right way, and when couples worship differently, they often agree to expose the kids to both ways of thinking. After a breakup, one or both may not be as invested in cooperating as they once were.
Let’s look at this from the children’s point of view. No longer celebrating as you once did may be confusing. It also can be confusing if your parents were formally tolerant of the differences, but now say one is right and one is wrong.
Witnessing this as a court-appointed mediator, I’ve rarely seen a judge specifically say a child must worship a certain way.
Your situation is a little different. You are asking dad to let the children come to your home for an important religious holiday during the week they are scheduled to be with him, and you say he is declining.
You made an agreement when you decided to have children. That agreement, that spirit of cooperation to allow your children to experience important aspects of both parents’ lives, has not changed.
That would mean, out of the spirit of cooperation, dad would allow the children to come over in the middle of the week for Passover. And, if my calculations are correct, the following Sunday will be Easter — on the weekend the children are scheduled to be with you. Therefore, you would return the favor.
You can now see the importance of a holiday schedule being built into a your children’s parenting plan. Any agreement is good ex-etiquette as long as it is done using the love of your children as the deciding factor.