Family dinners derailed by lone ‘remarkably’ slow eater
One of the organizing principles of my family’s life has been that, since our kids were babies, we’ve eaten dinner together as a family nearly every night — seated at our kitchen table, with no screens. As a result, my children, now 16 and 11, have pretty good table manners, are capable of adult conversation and eat a healthy variety of cuisines. It’s a linchpin of our family relationships.
But how do we manage varying eating speeds? My husband, son and I probably eat a bit too fast, but my daughter is a remarkably slow eater.
The three of us end up sitting in front of our empty plates for 15-plus minutes while my daughter finishes her food.
At some point, my husband starts clearing the plates and cleaning up because he has to get up very early — and, I suspect, because he is restless. My son gets up and starts scrounging around the kitchen for more food because he is 16 and an athlete (and because he is also restless). I am unsettled by all the activity.
On occasion, my daughter will more or less excuse the rest of us and finish dinner alone, which feels lonely for her and rude for us. On other occasions, she will just stop eating when the rest of us are done. The overall result is that our family meals, which are quite pleasant overall, end on a slightly hectic note.
The three of us could slow down a bit, but not all the way down to my daughter’s pace, and I hesitate to ask her to hurry up. It also seems unreasonable to ask everyone else to hang out in front of empty plates for an extra 15 minutes instead of getting to bed, starting homework, etc. I’m officially at a loss, and hope you have some suggestions on how we can harmonize the wrap-up to our family dinners.
One can require children to attend family meals without its feeling like a hostage situation. Everyone should be expected to stay a reasonable length of time — even if they are fast eaters and finish early. After that, one person should volunteer to remain as company with your daughter while the others are excused. Ideally, that duty will be rotated.
What, you ask, is a reasonable amount of time? She would not have thought that an extra 10 minutes would be much to ask of your restless son or your sleepy husband. An additional 30 minutes is a different matter.
In the grocery store today, I saw a woman pick up a closed plastic container of fresh blueberries, open it, reach in barehanded, pick up a blueberry between her fingers and squeeze it. She then put the blueberry back and tested two more berries in the same container. She then placed the container back in the bin, picked up a different container and proceeded to test the blueberries in the same fashion. And then another container. I was disgusted. Certainly it’s fine to feel for the ripeness of a fruit that has a skin, such as an apple, but this seemed out of line!
Should I have said something to her in the moment? I grabbed a container far away from where she was shopping and said nothing. I will be washing my berries a lot more thoroughly!
Policing the fruit is not your job, which Miss Manners assumes comes as welcome news. This does not absolve you of all responsibility, but it will be easier to report the offender to a store employee than to confront her yourself.
My son is marrying a lovely woman raised in a different religion from ours. Our family’s religion considers tattoos to be taboo.
How can I gently suggest to my son’s fiancee that she consider a gown where her large back tattoo will not be visible? I’m afraid all the guests of our religion will be focused on the tattoo and not the bride. Am I being old-fashioned? My son and his fiancee are in their late 30s, so
I’m unsure if it’s appropriate for me to voice my concerns. How should I proceed?
Are you going to suggest that she stay away from summer outings, too? Because she is likely to want to enjoy them with her new family — and that will no doubt require clothing that does not cover her back.
Miss Manners suggests you steer clear of this issue, as this couple is indeed grown up and can likely handle the attention. If you would like to be helpful, perhaps you can remind your family that the bride does not have the same restrictions in her religion.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas
Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.