Uninvited guests don’t make the rules regarding animals
Judith Martin
Dear Miss Manners: In our retirement, my husband and I purchased a large, beautiful home in a famous desert resort area. In addition to the rest of the house, we have three guest rooms that would make any five-star hotel proud, plus a private swimming pool surrounded by palm trees. You get the idea.
Naturally, our home has become a favorite destination for our family, which is wonderful! One of our goals was to create an oasis and a gathering place for our multigenerational family for festive occasions.
We also have three beautiful, well-trained golden retrievers. They are as much a part of our family as the humans, and everybody who comes to visit loves them.
At one large family gathering, with 12 relatives staying in our house, my sister-in-law announced she had invited a college friend from 40 years earlier, plus the friend’s husband, to spend an entire day with us. They would join us for the planned celebratory lunch, dinner and festivities.
Then we were warned that the friend, despite being a licensed psychiatrist, has a deathly and obsessive terror of dogs. When she sees any dog, she becomes hysterical, jumps up on chairs, screams, etc.
We tried our best to accommodate her, but it meant locking our golden retrievers — and this is THEIR home as well as ours — in a spare bedroom for the entire day. Even taking our dogs outside to do their business was an ordeal, as we would literally have to put the fearful guest in one room, shut the door, then take our dogs out through a side door. (The daily temperature here is often over 100 degrees, so the dogs cannot be left outside for any period of time.)
This uninvited guest was in our house from 10 a.m. until 10 p.m. — 12 hours. (She originally said she would stop over for just an hour or two.) And this is somebody we do not know. It really ruined the day, the celebration, everything.
We understand that not everyone likes dogs, and we NEVER take our dogs to other people’s homes or parties unless specifically invited. We would not even think of doing so.
Another family gathering is coming up, and my sister-in-law has announced her friend will be coming again. This is not amenable to us. How do we get out of this without offending everybody?
I am so frustrated with all of this. What is the old saying? “No good deed goes unpunished”?
Gentle reader: Indeed. You may therefore reasonably and justifiably say, “I am afraid that while we enjoyed meeting your friend, we simply cannot guarantee a safe environment for her with the dogs. Perhaps we should meet at your home in the future.”
While it is true that Miss Manners generally prioritizes the comfort of guests over animals, she makes a notable exception when the guest was never invited in the first place. If your sister-in-law objects, you might politely remind her of that.
Dear Miss Manners: I had a “friend”/co-worker stab me in the back and betray my trust. She has no clue that I know, and she keeps asking/pushing me to go to lunch with her.
How do I politely decline so as not to cause friction? I don’t trust her and prefer not to associate with her, but unfortunately I see her regularly.
Gentle reader: Probably any other adviser would tell you to have it out with this person, explaining that you were hurt by her betrayal.
Not Miss Manners. At best you would get an apology, which would not necessarily ensure its not happening again. But you might instead get a denial, a justification or a counteraccusation. If she really regretted what she did, she would have found a way to make that clear.
You have to work with this person. You have discovered that she is not a friend. So treat her only as a co-worker. That means that politeness is required, but not warmth — nor lunch, nor other opportunities to talk it out. “Sorry, I’m busy” is all that is needed.
Dear Miss Manners: When serving cake to guests, my wife insists on giving each person two slices, “because serving one slice is stingy.” I contend that with many people looking to control their weight, one slice should be served initially, with the option of offering a second slice later. What do you suggest?
Gentle reader: Thicker slices?
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas
Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.