Small advice nuggets can lead to big changes
These tactics help improve all kinds of relationships
Small nuggets of advice can sometimes lead to big changes in relationships. My colleagues and I are fortunate to regularly interview psychotherapists, couples counselors, sex therapists and researchers who share their most useful tactics for strengthening connections.
Here are some of the best tips we covered over the past year that can help improve your bonds with friends, family and romantic partners.
Give people permission to change
It can be challenging to recognize that people you have known for years, including siblings, have evolved and may be entirely different than they once were. But doing so can help you maintain genuine closeness over time. Periodically, consider asking questions that get at who your loved one has become. Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Miami, recommends prompts such as “What are you into now?” or “What is going on in your life that I don’t know about?”
When the phone rings, pick up
Loneliness is a public health crisis that affects more than half of Americans, but Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy believes that some strategies for finding and maintaining connection are startlingly simple.
For instance, when someone calls you, pick up the phone, he says, even if it’s just to say “hi” and find another time for a longer catch-up. “That 10 seconds feels so much better than going back and forth on text,” Murthy said.
Beware of ‘phubbing’
Glancing at your phone when someone is talking to you, or reaching for it whenever the conversation stalls, can lead to feelings of hurt and frustration. Recent research suggests that the practice — a combination of “phone” and “snubbing” — can be particularly damaging to romantic partnerships. Experts say simple tweaks, such as limiting digital alerts and establishing clear ground rules with your partner around phone use, can help.
“I know this doesn’t sound sexy, and people don’t want to do this in their relationships, but truly it’s the No. 1 strategy,” said Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couple and family therapy program at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Be open to the different types of desire
Sex therapists and researchers tend to believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive (which arises in response to stimuli). Though many people tend to think that spontaneous desire is somehow better, responsive desire is valid too, experts said. And learning to embrace it can be crucial to maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships, or in those where one person wants sex more than the other.
Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said she often helps clients understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent.
When arguing, avoid generalizations
Phrases like “you always …” or “you never …” are exaggerations, and they make others defensive. “You’re not even having a problem-solving conversation anymore,” said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist in Washington, D.C. “You’re just going into full-blown argument mode.” Instead, make an effort to focus only on the problem at hand.
Never underestimate the power of a compliment
People may shy away from offering them because they worry about sounding awkward or coming off as insincere. But compliments are usually much more welcome than we expect, said Erica Boothby, a social psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.
When complimenting a stranger, keep it brief and sincere.
When complimenting a friend or loved one, be specific — saying not just what you like about someone, for instance, but also expressing how that person makes you feel.
When dealing with challenging family members, focus on what you can control
As much as you might wish to, you cannot change your family members, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed clinical social worker and author of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.” She recommends asking yourself: If this person didn’t change anything about themselves or their behavior, what, if anything, could I do to make the relationship different?
Don’t let introversion stand in the way of deep connection
“Introverts are mistaken for being anti-social,” said Susan Cain, the author of “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.” “Actually, they’re differently social.” Introverts tend to have more of an inward or internal orientation, but they still crave friendship and connection as much as anyone.
So, introverts: Lean into your natural preferences and tendencies, experts advise. Seek out comfortable people in comfortable places, and embrace the power of initiating plans, which gives you control over who you socialize with and where.
When someone you love is upset, ask one simple question
When young students are upset, teachers will sometimes ask: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” That question can offer adults a sense of comfort and control, too, experts said.
That’s because different emotions need different responses, said Dr. Elizabeth Easton, the director of psychotherapy at Pathlight Mood and Anxiety Center in Denver. Reassurance may work well for anxiety, but could infuriate someone who is frustrated, she said. At its core, this simple question is about identifying: How can I meet your needs?