ASK AMY

Wife refuses to be ‘the sick girl’

Dear Amy: My wife is quite something, if I do say so, myself. Unfortunately, she has cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. She has a professional practice with a large number of clients and desperately does not want it to get out that she is sick. She has told only a select number of very close friends, her business partner and her family.

She doesn’t want to become “the sick girl,” with everyone asking her about her health. She doesn’t want that becoming the sole focus of her relationships. She’s also concerned that clients, afraid that she might not survive, will leave her practice in droves.

I’m doing everything I can to support her and to reduce her stress. It would be easier if I could tell my boss what’s going on, but I’m honoring her wishes.

Treatment is ongoing, and although she gets tired, she’s hanging in there, with the help of her business partner. Every unexpected issue destroys her. She is a very ordered person who has a problem with monkey wrenches in her life. Cancer is that and much more.

I believe that people will support her. Is it better for her to let people know or to keep it a secret, hoping for a good outcome? Her odds for survival are not great. She has all my love, support and respect for her personal choices, but how can I do better?

Dear Husband: I can’t say what is best for your wife, and you can’t, either. Her illness, treatment and disclosure decisions must be up to her.

I can think of ways she could handle disclosure that might minimize the negative impact on her. She and her business partner might send a carefully worded email to her clients, disclosing that she is in treatment. They could add, “Due to privacy concerns, she will not communicate further about her illness but appreciates the good thoughts of our business partners and clients. She will continue to serve clients throughout her treatment.”

Regardless of what your wife discloses, she should receive informed, compassionate, emotional support through an in-person or online cancer support group or (additionally) individual therapy. The American Cancer Society offers many resources (including a live “chat” function) on cancer.org. You should also look into caregiver resources.

Learning new ways to cope with her illness will have a positive impact on her emotional health. You must love her through this, and you sound ready and able to do so.

Dear Amy: Can you put the word out that listening to your electronic devices at a restaurant is the same as using them in a movie theater? I’ve had to hear background noise of adults AND children listening to their devices.

They should wear earphones so not to disturb the people around them. It’s terrible to have to hear this, especially when it competes with the music in the restaurant.

I haven’t yet asked anyone to shut it off, nor have I asked restaurant staff to ask them to shut it off.

Dear Patron: I disagree with your analogy that listening/watching on devices in restaurants is the same as using them in a movie theater. In a theater, patrons watch/ listen to one medium, en masse. At a restaurant, patrons engage in discrete activities around separate tables.

I agree with you, however, that if the volume of media at a neighbor’s table rises above normal conversation level or is particularly annoying, you are within your rights to ask, “Would you mind turning the volume down — or maybe wear headphones?”

Dear Amy: As a disabled person who receives disability payments, I was highly offended that you directed “Upset Neighbor” to report her neighbor for disability fraud. How dare you suggest that a neighbor meddle in this way?!

Dear Offended: Several readers were offended. However, in my response I challenged “Upset’s” knowledge of the situation and supplied supportive reasons this neighbor, or anyone, would receive disability payments. The neutral tone of my answer, plus the fact that I supplied accurate information about how to report fraud, seems to have upset people who receive this lifesaving financial support.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson

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