Marrying woman worries about footing bill
Dear Amy: Recently my partner and I got engaged. (We’re both women.)
My parents won’t attend our wedding for religious reasons. If it was just us paying for the wedding, we’d be going to city hall and a bar afterward with friends. (I am a full-time grad student.)
My partner’s parents are willing to foot the bill. They’ve been supportive of our relationship and my career, treat me like family and are financially able.
I’m wondering who I can invite? I have a large out-of-town family who, unlike my parents, are supportive.
I’m self-conscious about putting people on my in-laws’ tab while my parents are not participating. I want to express gratitude for their generosity, but expressing any preferences in planning feels bratty.
I know I’m running the risk of looking disinterested or ungrateful. I’d rather avoid it all, but don’t want my partner or her family to suffer from my parents’ absence and their refusal to contribute. Can you offer some direction?
— Bewildered Bride
Dear Bewildered: I advocate for couples to finance their own weddings. This involves both parties fully participating to raise the money for their wedding and reception. Couples sometimes do this by going to family members.
In “traditional” weddings, the bride’s parents are expected to pay for the wedding reception, and so you could see this offer as hewing to a traditional practice.
What’s missing is your participation. Your embarrassment regarding your parents’ rejection seems to be suppressing your own obligation, which is to take part in the planning.
Communicating about this will be good practice for the rest of your marriage. Express your concerns to your partner, and the two of you should have a transparent meeting with her parents. (Would any of your extended family be willing to host a rehearsal dinner? This is something to discuss.)
It’s important to understand that even if her folks are fully financing the wedding, you and your partner have equal rights to review your guest lists and work together to add to your lists — or winnow them down.
My ex-fiancee, “Alyse,” dumped me because I have women friends. There was nothing other than friendship. My interactions with them never affected my time with Alyse, and I was always transparent.
Even so, Alyse made an ultimatum that I drop my women friends, which I refused, and after a while, she ended the relationship.
Alyse had been seeing a therapist who told her that I “have women friends to feed my ego” and that I “prey on insecure women.” Her therapist also discouraged Alyse from going to couples counseling with me when I proposed it. Other than that, our relationship was amazing.
We don’t talk now. I miss her like crazy and wonder if I should have given in to her demands, and if there’s any way to reconnect. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear Amy:
Dear Missing: It is hard to imagine a therapist advising against joint counseling, unless with an abuser. “Alyse” may have misrepresented her therapist’s views.
You say that your interactions with women friends never affected your time with Alyse, and yet they did, because these relationships brought forth so much insecurity.
She laid down her nonnegotiables and followed through. That’s the point of an ultimatum. I suspect that if you had given in, other issues would have surfaced. I suggest that you move on.
Dear Amy: It is hard to fathom that you stated the following in response to a reader regarding tipping: “I do agree that the whole experience is upside down: Restaurant workers are underpaid, and consumers are expected to foot the bill.”
Of course consumers will foot the bill! “Footing the bill” will be either via tips directly to those who serve us or higher restaurant prices if owners are required to pay more to employees. It may be time for a refresher econ class.
Great point! I should have noted that entrusting a server’s income to consumers instead of employers might be one reason for the staff shortage in restaurants.