Even Lopez can’t save mashup of violence and oddball humor
Spoiler alert: J.Lo looks fantastic in a wedding dress.
You surely knew that, given not only the plethora of wedding-themed movies Jennifer Lopez has made over the years, from “The Wedding Planner” to “Monster-in-Law” to the recent “Marry Me,” but also her off-screen life.
And now comes “Shotgun Wedding,” where the star dons a pouffy white concoction that gradually sheds layers of tulle as Lopez fights off not only cringey wedding guests, but machine-gun toting pirates, too.
But all the charm and style in the world, and Lopez has plenty of that, can’t make up for the bizarre tonal imbalance of “Shotgun Wedding,” a movie too violent to be funny and too weird to be fun. The movie, directed by Jason Moore, and produced in part by Lopez, also commits the unlikely crime of underusing that other bulletproof Jennifer of the moment, Jennifer Coolidge.
Kudos, though, to whoever picked the stunning resort for this destination wedding (the shoot took place in the Dominican Republic, standing in for the Philippines).
It’s here that we first meet Darcy, our bride, at the rehearsal dinner.
She is navigating a guest list filled with proverbial hand grenades even before the real grenades start flying. There’s her icy mother (Sonia Braga), who is divorced from her father (Cheech Marin) and appalled at the oddly ditzy new girlfriend he’s brought to the wedding (D’Arcy Carden). Mom tells Darcy she should have
accepted her dad’s millions (or billions?) to make the wedding perfect, but Darcy replies that the couple wanted to do it their way.
As for the groom? Initially, the part was to be played by Ryan Reynolds, a tantalizing comedic possibility. Then it was to be Armie Hammer, who stepped aside, and now we have Josh Duhamel, handsome and agreeable, but the chemistry rests with Lopez, and not between them.
Tom is the “groomzilla,” obsessed with wedding details. As for his mother, well, she’s the delightfully ditzy Carol (Coolidge), obsessed with “South Pacific” and eager to have a good time.
It must be said that Coolidge — who at this point in her career would be anyone’s top choice to play any mother — more than pulls her weight. But there’s only so much she can do with dialogue that seems slapped together with minimum effort. Coolidge can make almost anything sound funny, but at times it feels like her script instructions said nothing more than “Carol says something wacky.”
Things get wacky overall pretty fast, starting with the arrival of a surprise guest by helicopter — it’s
Sean (Lenny Kravitz), Darcy’s ex-fiance, a swaggering, walking Y chromosome. Tom is immediately perplexed by Sean’s presence.
The next day, with everyone dressed for the wedding, more unexpected guests arrive — and they definitely weren’t on the list. They’re pirates, and they’re after Darcy’s dad’s money.
The pirates take everyone hostage, confining them to an infinity pool. In a stroke of luck, the bride and groom are elsewhere, having a little talk about their relationship. Soon, though, the relationship is beside the point — they have to save themselves and everyone else, too.
And that’s when the killing starts.
Lopez’s appeal is timeless. She’s the one actor in the whole enterprise whose every line reading seems to ring true, no matter how silly on paper — as when she says she can’t breathe, and Tom assumes it’s, you know, the machine guns, but she says no, “It’s the shapewear.”
MPA rating: R (for language and some violence/bloody images.)
Running time: 1:40
How to watch: Amazon Prime Video