Sister doesn’t reciprocate gift-giving
DEAR HARRIETTE: I send my nephew gifts every year on his birthday. He’s 11 years old -- the exact same age as my daughter. He always tells me how happy these gifts make him. My sister doesn’t do the same for my daughter.
She will call her, sing her a little song, or maybe write her a sweet little post on Facebook, but she never sends gifts. Every year I get a little offended. It isn’t like my sister can’t afford gifts; she actually makes more money than I do.
Should I approach her about this?
-- Don’t Be Stingy
DEAR DON’T BE STINGY: You are talking about your sister. Is there a reason why you have not directly asked her why she hasn’t given your daughter a physical gift? Break down that invisible barrier now. Ask your sister why she has chosen not to send your daughter a birthday present. Listen to her answer. It could be that she thinks her overtures are more meaningful than mere objects.
Let her know that your daughter does appreciate the calls and songs, but that is not the same as a physical gift, at least not in your mind. Point out that you always send her son a gift, and he seems to be happy each time he receives it. Ask her to consider giving her something she thinks your daughter may like next time, along with the song.
DEAR HARRIETTE: For years, my sister and I did not get along. It has become part of my ongoing conversation to talk about how mean and dismissive she is. As I thought about it the other day, I realized that our relationship has improved a lot in recent years. We do not get caught up in the same dynamics that once plagued us. It actually is pretty good between us, but it is hard for me to get the old stories out of my head. I told a friend some things about my sister that aren’t true anymore, and I feel bad about that. How can I close the door on the way things were? -- New Day
DEAR NEW DAY: Start by reaching out to your sister and owning the positive change in your relationship. Thank her for the more mature way you two engage now. Tell her you have noticed it, and you really appreciate it. She may or may not acknowledge what you are saying, and that’s OK. It is important for you to speak your truth, including recognizing that dynamics have shifted and that you are grateful. It is also important for you to understand that the change is also partly due to your behavior. How you react to your sister today is having a direct impact on how she reacts to you. When you stand in your power and guide your own life rather than reacting to others, you make it much harder for them to exercise control over you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews Mcmeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.