Annie's Mailbox
My Friend's Selfharm and Drinking Are More Than I Can Handle
Dear Annie: My neighbor and I have been friends for the last year and a half. She is 29 and has emotional, relationship and drinking problems. She moved to another area of town but still keeps in touch. I'm not trying that hard to maintain the friendship because I don't miss the drunk drama. She is enjoyable to be around when she is sober and we can have good conversation.
She still wants to hang out and sometimes comes over late, drunk and in a happy mood that turns into offloading emotional baggage of current problems and past trauma. When she was drunk and rambling the other night, she confided in me that she occasionally self-harms by cutting the tops of her thighs and showed me the scabs and scars. (I think this started in high school.)
When she is sober, she doesn't acknowledge any of this and behaves like a functioning adult. I am frequently put in the position of being the amateur midnight therapist. I appreciate that my friend is able to be vulnerable and trusts me with this, but I'm worn out and uncomfortable being in this role, especially after hearing so many times about how she wants to improve her life and make positive changes but never following up on it.
How do I make boundaries without her feeling like she's losing support? Am I obligated to call for some kind of intervention? She doesn't have any family. I'm at a loss for how I can help her without sacrificing myself. -- Reluctant Amateur Midnight Therapist
Dear Midnight
Therapist: True friendship is a two-way street; it has to go both ways. Listening and giving support are both important parts of being a good friend, but your former neighbor is going far beyond what's considered appropriate to offload onto someone else. Besides, no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to help her when she's drunk; she needs to be sober to make true progress. It also doesn't leave much room for you in the relationship if you're forced to console your friend in her drunken state most every time you see her.
The next time she's sober, share your concerns with your friend about what she's said and done around you while drunk. The only way to build the boundary is to be honest: While you're happy to be a source of support for her, you can't be her only source. A licensed therapist can better assess your friend's trauma and substance abuse issues and put her in the right direction toward recovery. In the meantime, she should also reach out to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence or The National Alliance on Mental Illness for guidance on how to cope with her drinking and self-harm.