‘SHORES’ WASHOUT, EDGE
Tired story pales in comparison to ‘Chesapeake’ scenery
Forget HGTV.
Hallmark Channel’s new scripted series “Chesapeake Shores” has the most astonishing house porn of any series on the tube.
That, along with insanely gorgeous landscapes and vistas the show routinely uses as backdrops, are the best reasons to watch the series — filmed in Canada by the way.
Oh, the drama? It’s Hallmark Channel, so you know the drill. Woman in the big, bad, cold city longs for simpler times and the ways of the small town she grew up in. Returns to town to reconnect with family and her first love.
But “Chesapeake Shores” is actually based on a series of novels by Sherryl Woods, and apparently there’s quite a market for this drivel. You can at least appreciate the fine cast Hallmark has assembled, even if it doesn’t give them enough to do.
Meghan Ory (“Once Upon a Time”) stars as Abby O’Brien, a hard-driving Wall Street executive who seems to have a cellphone cemented to her palm. Her ex is sniffing around looking for custody of their two adorable moppets and is dating one of Abby’s office rivals.
When Abby’s ditz of a baby sister Jess (Laci Mailey, “Falling Skies”) calls with her idea of an emergency, Abby doesn’t need another excuse to drop everything and head back to the shores and a family estate that is one turret short of being declared a castle.
Grandma Nell (Academy Award nominee Diane Ladd, “Wild at Heart”) awaits with deep-fried home cooking, prayers, an Irish accent that comes and goes and the kind of treacle some mistake for old folk wisdom. Sample: “Seems to me if you have to be reminded not to miss something, you might be missing everything.” What is that, some sort of Zen riddle by way of Ireland?
This is the kind of town where the diner hears Abby is back and has her favorite meal ready when she drops in unannounced. “Fantasy Island” didn’t even provide this kind of service.
Jesse Metcalfe (Christopher Ewing on the late, lamented “Dallas” revival — and don’t get me started on how that show did him wrong) co-stars as Trace Riley, the Man She Left Behind.
Abby wanted something more, and he’s still bitter. He became a singer in Nashville, so why is he back now? “Coming home was the only way I could think of to get my soul right,” he says. Ooh, mysterious —and he rides a motorcycle. Metcalfe sings one of his original songs, and he has a pleasant voice. He would easily fit in on “Nashville” if this series dries up.
Treat Williams (“Everwood”) rounds out the lead pilot cast as Abby’s father, Mick, who wants credit from his kids for being the parent who actually stuck around.
Everyone around Abby seems stuck in snippy passive-aggressive mode. It even trickles down to the little ones. “Don’t we have personal lives?” one of the tykes asks Abby. Just stick that knife in a little deeper, kiddo, and it’s manslaughter.
The two-hour pilot has one of the more unusual endings for an opener that I’ve seen, and that’s not a compliment. It involves fireworks (actual ones in the sky) and a couple of cabs dropping off a bevy of family. Maybe it will get you excited for the series.
I just want to foreclose the property and take the house.