FLORIDA KNOWS THE DRILL
ORLANDO — Florida is bracing for a monster storm.
Monster, meanwhile, has no clue. Monster is the Obnoxious Boston Fan’s prized pooch. In spite of his menacing moniker, he is the sweetest yellow Lab to walk planet Earth since dogs first approached the fire some 15,000 years ago. He gets skittish whenever a thunderstorm rolls through the neighborhood surrounding the OBF Manor in Central Florida.
He might lose his ever-loving puppy mind this weekend when Hurricane Irma arrives.
The “Cone of Uncertainty” has Hurricane Irma on a path to demolish all or parts of Florida starting Saturday. These “cones” are usually about as accurate as Nate Silver’s predictions of a Hillary Clinton administration.
This time, though, it feels different. Monroe County — aka the Florida Keys — was evacuated yesterday. Large parcels of South Florida are expected to be cleaned out of people and gasoline before tomorrow. Florida is under a state of emergency.
By the way, the Weather Channel just said a 2-by-4 flying at 75 mph will slice through the concrete walls of my home like Tom Brady in overtime against the Falcons.
Central Florida, home of the OBF manse for 17 years, is taking this storm far more seriously than any other hurricane since the three that clobbered us over a six-week period back in 2004. Millions weathered Charley, Frances and Jeanne. None rival the ferocity of Irma.
A propane panic hit Orlando Tuesday. The line for tank refills extended up to two hours at one Home Depot in Orange County. I waited 30 minutes for mine elsewhere.
The theory is that once the power goes out — and it will — you want to cook everything in the fridge and freezer before it spoils. Irma may produce the largest cookout in world history.
This may be hard to believe, but Florida learned a lot from those three storms in 2004. For one, every gas station located near an interstate or the Florida Turnpike now has an electric generator. You need electricity to pump gas. A lot of people did not know that 13 years ago.
Long lines at gas stations started Monday. The 7-Eleven at the end of my street was out of regular yesterday morning, but there was plenty of premium to be had for $3.25 a gallon.
You also need electricity to get cash out of the ATM. You’ll need plenty of cash when 10-pound bags of ice are selling for $25 a pop come Monday.
There are four Publix supermarkets within a three-square-mile radius of OBF Manor. Each was dry Tuesday when it came to water. More was on the way. The Bud and Bud Light remains in abundance. Some priorities are skewed.
Generators are overrated. Been there, done that. They consume gas like my 1973 Plymouth, keep you awake all night with an excruciating racket, and do nothing about cooling anything outside the refrigerator.
Two days without power in this infernal heat will push any mortal into the Marriott Residence Inn. Good luck finding a hotel around here this weekend that takes pets. They’re all booked.
Irma probably won’t deliver the Biblical flooding wrought by Harvey. It is too organized and moving too fast. The greatest woe for Floridians this weekend — now that Sunday’s Dolphins-Bucs game has been canceled — will come from storm surges on the coast, hellacious winds across a 120-mile wide field, and those damn tornadoes that spin around Irma’s edge.
The misery comes later. It always does. The hope is that it is far less intense than anticipated.
Monster is counting on it.