Give college freshmen room to grow
Thousands of teary parents are dropping off their precious freshmen at colleges across the country, and it’s an emotional time.
Hard as it is, there are some things parents are doing that they need to stop. Immediately.
Here is a list of what not to do when your child starts college:
• Demand daily communication. You’re used to seeing your kid every day ... and now you don’t know what he’s doing. You worry. Is he safe? Is he happy? All valid feelings. But resist the urge to tell your child he must check in with you every day. Some parents call it “proof of life.” But what it’s really doing is showing your student that you don’t trust him.
• Insist on a tracker. Family location apps, such as Life360 or Find My Friends, are popular with parents, and they seem reasonable for younger kids or new drivers. But once your child gets to college, leave it up to him to decide whether he wants to take it off his phone. If you really want to lose his trust, vow to stop paying for his phone if he doesn’t use a tracking app. You see it as a safety thing; he sees it as an invasion of privacy.
• Stalk your student on social media. It’s tempting to try to figure out what your student is doing. But if you stalk her on social media, you might realize you don’t really want to know. Take deep breaths and remember what you were like when you were in college. (Or, maybe not. That might just make you more anxious.)
Pro tip: If you must stalk, do
not leave any comments! That is a sure-fire way to get blocked.
• Visit often (or unannounced). If you do plan a visit, give your child plenty of notice. And plan an outing while you’re there; don’t chill for hours in his dorm or apartment. And definitely don’t spend the night there. That’s just weird — and awkward for his roommates, too.
• Jump in to solve every crisis. If you’re used to piloting that helicopter around your child, now is the time to stop. Don’t email his professor. Don’t get in the middle of roommate issues. Cut the cord and let him fly, or stumble. For a child who is used to his parents doing everything for him, this could be a big adjustment. And with parental help only a text away, it’s easy for parents to continue to swoop in and save the day. Try telling your child this: “If you have a problem, take 20 minutes and try to work out for yourself how to solve it before texting me for help.”